I blog gluten-free

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Good Intentions and Drama

I guess at times, good intentions are the road to hell.
I MEANT to try to recharge myself... how else could I possibly get work done? I have been fighting against a lot, and attempting to sort through, so I can better myself, on a personal level.
I MEANT to simply state: "Look, I am sad. Because these misunderstandings are cropping up, I don't like it. Let's talk. And attempting not to be too upset when apparently nothing I said could or would be right.
I MEANT to quietly air my grievances BEFORE things built up. As in, when I was done with the initial "I am hurt and angered, because not only was my life put in danger, but I was insulted, frightened. This wasn't easy--- I tried so many a time to say "Please, stop... I'm not comfortable discussing that. It causes drama I do not want." Like, being threatened. Like, having to look over my shoulder. Nightmares. Fear of everything around me.

To be slut-shamed on top of it... it amused me...I don't have that many exes, and no one but me needs to know all of my personal business. Yes, I've fucked up a few times. Yes, I have trusted all the wrong people. But... slut-shaming is wrong. Ok, so a few men I slept with walked on me. This tells me: Quit fucking yourself over, not, "You are a horrible person".

I wish nothing, no harm--- a happy life. I can see a great future. But to have it, one must let the past go.
I acknowledge mistakes, I, like everyone on this earth, has not lived a pristine life. I have fought my demons, will continue to do so. I mean it, quite literally: Be blessed. Be happy.

I will not agonize over things I cannot change...from being skinny due to lack of absorption, from being who I am, from trying to be better, stronger.
I will be angry. To put me in danger, accidentally, to become angry when I feel attacked because you did so and refused to listen? And then to tell me to get over myself? I could say a lot, bring up guilt tactics. I won't.
I was put into a position of fear. I was hurt. Nothing I said or did was right or good enough. This is how I felt. I felt SHOVED. I will not fall prey to junior high tactics. Nor insult you---you have a great future and I for one think you deserve it. But I will not bend, apologize, change. Nor will I quote out of context.

In conclusion: Yes, I have fucked up. Made mistakes, Trusted the wrong people. But I have never changed me for anyone, and I do not hold my tongue when hurt. I tried, I wish I could do more, but I cannot. But I've moved forward, and will not live a life of looking over my shoulder. I am not about to be a pillar of salt.

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