I blog gluten-free

Monday, April 14, 2014

Horses Named Dude and Democratic Hydras

The wonderfully insane mastermind behind "It Came from Allen's Brain!" asked a few interesting questions, and never passing up an opportunity to over- think, I got to work. 

For other probing questions and original stories, please visit: Allen's Brain

1)Q: You've been through a desert on a horse with no name (I feel bad for the earworm.) In a fit of boredom, you decide to name it. What is the horse's name?
A: The horse's name is Dude, of course. Dude is a horse, of course. "Dude" is a term of endearment in my family. 

2. Q: Dr Jarnikov, diabolical genius, is going to perform the classic brain swap experiment on you. Who/what is the other subject?
A: This is temporary, right? Because I sort of feel bad for whomever/ whatever takes custody of my brain. I'm used to it, and even I get annoyed. I've been told people are curious about how my brain works, so if there are any volunteers, walk this way.















3. Q: The Great Old Furry Tortoise of Wisdom grants you the answer to one question. What do you ask? 
A: Oh, dear. I'm sure the first thing on my mind would be, "Why are you furry, O, Wise Tortoise?" Before I could stop myself. 

4.Q: Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door. Build a better mouse, and...
A: Watch out, the world will either have pitchforks or Disney movie deals this time. 

5. Q: There are eight entrees on the menu. How does the hydra make up its minds which to order?
A: If it's a democratic hydra, they either draw straws or go by which head has gone the longest without eating. 

6. Q: It’s the end of the world, and you have the last pudding cup. What do you do with it?
A: I'd like to think that I'd have those little cardboard ice cream spoons, and would share if I could. Slurping out the dregs is best. What I'd probably do is try to save it and would end up mournfully intoning, "J-E-LL-Oh!" 

7.Q: Sometimes you just have to get away from the angry, pitchfork-wielding mobs. Bamboo hut in the jungle, laboratory hidden in a volcano, observatory on the ocean floor, or apartment in the sub-basement beneath the Asian food market?
A: This one's simple. Or is it? Everybody will probably think I'd try to hide in a volcano or under the sea. My best choice is to hole up somewhere that seems too obvious. I'm not giving anything away lest that route is closed off too.

8. Q: You’ve just strolled into an ice cream parlor in the Twilight Zone. What’s the ironic problem with their frozen treats?
A: It's the Twilight Zone, so expecting some strange disaster, like exploding ice cream, or ice cream made with a Soylent Green cone or ice cream that never makes you gain weight, because a portrait of yourself ages and morphs into a helus, (glutton) and then comes alive and eats you, would be too obvious. Rather, nothing happens... Or maybe it does. Your choice. Choose carefully! Hands off the peach Melba!

9. Q: You are the comic book superpower fairy. What amazing ability do you give your enemy?
A: The power to read my mind. 

10. Q: A box arrives at your door with a note, reading “Do not open!” What do you do?
A: Is it sparkly? If it's not ticking or moving ominously, I'll be sorely tempted to open it. I like rebelling. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

It's Just a Wafer- Thin Mint...

Oh, by golly, the time of year I find myself good and swamped... because I did it to myself, and/or I see people with problems and can't hold back.

No one is sleeping properly... and I had JUST been getting a schedule, too. (It means one of these days I'll zonk right out at 5PM and wake confused 12 hours later.
It doesn't make me happy to be on trend.
But when I'm ALMOST there, I get one or more of the following:

"THE CREEPING ITCH FROM HELL".
My legs deciding, along with my brain, which I've affectionately taken to calling Audrey, that I am a Rockette and this is the Christmas show at Madison Square Garden.
The 3AM Wake Up Question or Columbo Act, depending on Audrey's sadistic whims.
"Just one more thing..."
"SLEEEEEEEEP," I growl.
In order, some of Audrey's most interesting questions:
*You occasionally like Necco Wafers, right? Don't they have a terrible name? 'Neco' is Latin for "to kill"- Wafers of Doom! (CATCHY!)
*What have the Romans ever done for us? (Audrey, no more Monty Python before bed.)
More frustrating is the recrimation, what should be done/ said replay.
I gotta get this brain in shape.

This ought to do it!

That's Nerddelicious! Mr. Creosote's Wafer Thin Mint

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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Howard Lovecraft and the Kingdom of Madness


Note: I received my copy of Howard Lovecraft and the Kingdom of Madness from the writer, Bruce Brown. I am honored and grateful and consider both Bruce and "The Kingdom of Madness"  to be precious gifts. 

The capable Thomas  Boatwright  endears and terrifies with his beautiful, glossy illustrations.

"The Kingdom of Madness" opens with our hero, Howard, and the childlike adults who make little Howard seem like the only grown up and voice of reason. 

It opens with an apt, disturbing quote from Edgar Allen Poe:
"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dreamed before".-Original Source: "The Raven".

And we see a scaly arm, an annoyed, well- dressed little boy. 

Then, we see a vintage plane (To US, anyway), carrying Howard, his sickly, insane father, apparently on their way to meet a doctor. Spot-aka- Cthulhu, aka- Hu Hu Hmong, acts every inch the excited, tentaclly puppy, while the child of the group expresses doubt. This is normal for Howard and Spot, up to and including Howard's capable act as a loving, but strict father figure who has to occasionally lay down the law.
Having read HP Lovecraft's "Complete Works", I find what amounts to a prequel to Lovecraft-the Grown-Up, Not-Fictional-Character's  disturbed and disturbing, wonderful but not for children'- 's works extremely beautiful. It's a cuddlier side of everyone, including Lovecraft, whose views of race make the "enlightened" of the 21st Century choke. It's beautiful. I watch every Howard Lovecraft book for an image of Little Howard and Cthulhu hugging. 

I also look for shoutouts- a very obvious one that I adored was a shout out to Charles Addams, a capable illustrator who lent his name to the 1960's portrayal of his artwork, called *Snap snap* The Addams Fam-i- Ly *Snap snap*. 

I was charmed and delighted, and give Howard Lovecraft and the Kingdom of Madness two tentacles- er, thumbs, WAY UP!

I also send my thank you's to the wonderful Bruce Brown

Words can't describe how much I love this warning label. 

Thanks again! I was touched, disturbed, and I couldn't be more grateful! 

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Purple Day, or, Save the Brains!

You might see some purple banners unfurled, ribbons dusted off. Why? Isn't Epilepsy Awareness Month November? Yes.

Why am I once again playing with purple? 
-1) because I have a lot to celebrate! As of last Friday, I'm 42 days free of tonic-clonics. Because I have goals to reach and it's TIME to get better! 

-2)Because there's so much emphasis on saving the boobs, which ARE, fantastic, but for all the special edition hoodies,coffee pots, panties and Smith&Westons, there is still no mentions made of the males also affected by breast cancer. Do I think epilepsy awareness needs to follow with expensive coffee pots and stand mixers? No. While breast cancer is "sexy", with "Feel your boobs! , "Save the Boobies!"- epilepsy takes a back seat. A 2010 article on funding for research proves saving the Brain nets researchers less than minimum wage per day, most of it going towards medications, which don't work for 20% of the population. This is a huge deficit. 

-3)Because there's still stigma, there's STILL sweeping things under rugs, discomfort, and myths to dispel. And until the day comes where I can buy a limited edition epilepsy awareness dildo, or a hoodie at Sears that says, "Save the Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiins", I'm fighting for my brains and my boobies.




Saturday, March 22, 2014

Lente, Lente

Lent has been upon us since March 5th. The idea is sacrifice.. as in, if you choose to not eat sugar, or fatty food, don't do it for those hot jeans.

I tried- am trying to give up anger, to be more patient. Anger has both just and unjust reasons: is someone being hurt? That's just. Are you being hurt? Then you MUST say something. I like to use the wholly unholy phrase, "Grow some big, hairy balls of steel." How to reconcile that... well. It's a headscratcher, and I'm afraid I don't have the answer.

This is no time for a perfectionist streak.

Put away needs for perfection, from yourself, from others. It's not happening. And human perfection is an illusion, normal is an insult.

How to reconcile lean diets when you have health conditions? Well, if, for example, you have an illness, are elderly, a child, you might not have carte blanche to either gobble down any glutton-y amount you might like, but fish and veggies aren't a sticking point. What can you have, besides meat? Tomato soup and grilled cheese (Dairy, broths- the taste of meat, without the substance- A-OK.)  Pizza. Pasta with almost any sauce.
But with health conditions, you may have chicken, meat, with no shame. What would I consider not limiting diets for? Children, the elderly, those who are ill- they need energy, not restriction, those with trouble maintaining calories, those recovering from eating disorders.

You are asked to put self behind you. You are not asked to make a martyr of yourself.

Remember that temptation is normal- indeed, we derive Lent (Funny how in Latin, you get the word, "lente" for "slowly"- but keep going!) From Jesus being tempted by Satan for 40 days.
There's a test, and oh, goodness, I'm feeling it! Above all, be careful what you pray for!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Squeaky Pig Gets...the Bacon?

There's a form of positive reinforcement, where a person is rewarded both for reaching a goal, and for cracking on with it. I have heard it referred to as "Giving the kid the M&Ms"... which sounds like a fabulous idea for this kid. I'm not entirely sure, by the way, that it's ever been truly used on me... given a pack of M&Ms in 4th grade, I had to give an average of the colors in a 1993-era bag of M&Ms before being allowed to indulge. This just allowed me to organize colorful food. Ok, I learned mean, median and mode, too, but frankly, I was thinking of other things.

I did find an interesting lady with tourette's, one very fabulous Touretteshero, who also manages, in her tics, to give such poetic soliloquies as, "Be as ancient as a fish and as wise as a guillotine". Jess, you should write fortune cookies. She has a system in place. When she goes tic-free for 24 hours, she gets a decorated rubber squeaky pig. As much as I like and adore her collection, especially "Pig in a Wig"- dressed quite nicely in 18th century threads, I'm not really a piggie person. I love the snub-nosed little pink buggers, but in thinking up a system to keep me crackin' on, and motivate me, it wasn't a rubber squeaky pig that made my heart beat more quickly.

A friend asked me if I'd be upset if I didn't reach my goal, and thus missed out on what little trinket I'd decided was my reward. Truthfully: Yes. But I've decided on my first "pig" so to speak, and might very well turn it into a theme- (For a while, I was searching half-sarcastically for a Cthulhu teddy bear. They exist.)

I've loved HP Lovecraft and the like for many years. So I was delighted to see this beautiful little graphic novel, Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom, about a little boy, his pet, Spot, and his epic journey. I had yet to decide, when I lost out on my goal at nearly 7 weeks, exactly what my time perimeters were, but 2 months is my first hurdle.
In response to my friend's worry, I've decided that it is time to buy myself something nice. And work on the next goal as it comes. I have to work on my attitude, too. And I gave myself a lot to worry about, after I worried that I had nothing TO worry about. Ah, c'est la vie. Actually, I decided this: I need to be patient and kind to myself, and not keep being frustrated by all the goals I set up for myself to jump.

So for now, I'm giving myself some time, hopefully finding a somewhat mindless pursuit that I can do without analyzing, I'll enjoy the Roman Art History & Latin classes I'm working on, and simply get engrossed in the beautiful artwork, etc.

I can analyze later.




Thursday, February 13, 2014

Seven Polish Plumbers Plumbing

I hope to meet a Daily Mail writer in my lifetime. Just so I can shake their hand and give them my honest and heartfelt thanks for their accidental humour.

What would it be like, on those occasions where I am stuck in recovery stage and have run out of reading material and have begun swearing at yet another cross-stitch pattern... (Huge confession: I like crafts. But I have a deep and abiding hatred for cross- stitch.) and I couldn't open up an article on Polish plumbers plumbing?- and driving up house prices. (Tell your friends! I'm here for all of your home improvement needs!)

Thank you, to the Daily Mail, for reminding me to be bikini ready, but not go out IN said bikini. I now know the only way not to "flaunt" is to wear a ski jacket to the pool.

Love, a devoted foreign git.


*Recovery mode: The time post seizure when I can easily be mistaken for a rather slurry, foul-mouthed drunken sailor, and when I'm apt to come down with any cold or flu that comes my way. As of Saturday, I'm 7 weeks seizure free and I'm hoping to keep myself strong and get stronger. Currently, my record stands at 8 weeks, and I'm attempting to beat that and give myself positive reinforcement. Recovery Mode lasts about 2 weeks, except this time when I came down with a good flu not long after and am only just getting full strength and energy.