Lean on me...
I've been asked a few times why and how I manage to slip away from people here and there. I have to. I love them, but it gets to be too much. I am often told, it's ok, you can lean--- I learned that leaning is a really good way to fall flat on your ass when the "dependable wall" moves. This of course, doesn't keep me from acting as the wall myself, because I have always been expected to be. Yes, I have high expectations for myself, maybe higher than those I have for others. I'll get mad at me before I do someone else. If I actually go after a person, they really screwed up!
Still, when other people are upset, I kind of feel it in the air, even when I can't quite pinpoint, or don't know what to say. Or if I should. Or how. I'm still feeling what I call my November Chaos, although the month of December will be on us shortly.
I do occasionally tell others to follow their own advice to me. Because I care, I also occasionally offer a kick in the ass if someone hurts themselves, which I hate to see. But I am unclear on how to actually state sometimes "Hey, what the hell- knock that off"- I get terrified to actually step up.
So I'm itchy. Waiting on Mom to come back from the ER soon- checked in on things a while ago- I keep seeing chaos- numerous people- one who, years ago, first sat me down at a kitchen table, and finally watched me break and admit that things were worse than I let on- who now deals with extreme pain, a relationship that turns her into a quiet shell of herself, and now, as it breaks again, leaves her a wreck... family still acting like fuck ups, wanting so much more than I can offer in a shoulder to lean on, and more... and not quite having a damn clue what the fuck to do, even though, I manage fine in the abstract.
And I hurt. Damn humidity. Damn November. Damn nightmares. Damn, damn, damn, damn. I haven't helped anyone. I've hurt myself.