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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Beth's Mad World

I have this annoying tendency to be a huge sap. I think I'm a giant boob sometimes.
I really have no damn filter... but I also tend to stutter when the time comes to say it like I really mean it. One day, I was informed that I must be one of the last "truly honest people in the world". My heart broke. Because it came out of the mouth of someone who told me that I needed to learn how to lie. I chose to not go through with those lessons. I admit it: I have a lot of ideals--- I think everyone is naturally honest, we learn to lie, just as we learn hatred and fear- and when someone proves to me that they aren't honorable, aren't honest, and that they aren't the person I thought they were, it still hurts. With everything I've gone through, you'd think I'd have learned my lessons and quit being the happy idealist. I think I lie to myself sometimes.
I can't say I haven't hurt someone, or more than 1 someone(s). I have. Sometimes, to protect myself, and because I keep thinking someone should probably be protected from me, I remember that I am very good at taking care of myself, and that I have pulled my fair share of nasty stunts. And I walk away, often finding out that it was a very stupid idea. But I know how to do that and keep that pretty well covered-up. You wouldn't know it looking at me, and I wouldn't begin to tell you half the time. Well, there goes that darn cat out of the bag. You know something? As long as someone finds joy, then maybe there was no wrong time. I don't know. I'll figure it out as I go.
Well, since I'm being emo:

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