I blog gluten-free

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Coffee Bean Chronicles

Captain's Log
Stardate: November 23rd, 2010 0903

Day One Minus Coffee:
Still pretty normal. Found tea. It's ok. Holding out for real coffee and legs that work. Send reinforcements.

Day two minus coffee:
Today, overheard Hanson. Urge to kill rising. Send reinforcements.

Day Three Minus Coffee:
Frigging TEA?! Do I look like a bloody limey? It's piss water! *spits* SEND REINFORCEMENTS
Day Four Minus Coffee:
Whose brilliant bloody idea was it to start this demon beverage anyway? Dad should have guarded his cup better. Cried at a Starbuck's commercial.  Please, for God's sake, send reinforcements! I hallucinated and thought my neighbor was an anthropomorphic coffee bean.
Day Five Minus Coffee:
Hallucinations getting worse. Yelled at someone on the phone. Apparently, he wanted to sell me life insurance. Or was it panties with an embedded radio? Either way he got an earful. Please *Sobbing* Send reinforcements!
Day Six without coffee:
Unintelligible. Sources say Beth was alternately shaking, sobbing, and screaming cuss words in German.  
Please, you can help. Who can look at that cute little face and say "no"?
Day Seven Without Coffee:
Raided decaff for guests. Cried. Send help, before all is lost.
Day Eight Without Coffee: cursing the goatherders who first saw goats dancing after eating coffee berries, and the horses they rode in on.
Day Nine Without Coffee: Cold, so cold. Send Help. Please... please...
Day Ten Without Coffee: Beth is an empty shell of herself, with messy curls and hallowed eyes. Don't get too close without coffee...she will snap. Please, won't you help this poor cute little thing?
Beth can't talk anymore, but she keeps signing "coffee" over and over, it's just pathetic.
Thou art a beautiful and cruel mistress


  1. Good lord. You really need some coffee, and I am really good at stating the obvious. I am like that with Red Bull though, and constantly try to convince others that it really is just a "giant soda" and I'm really thirsty, is all. I don't think they buy it ;)

  2. Lol... if I didn't feel as rotten as I do, I'd take my happy butt for an emergency cup. Right now I'm brewing coffee... STRONG!

  3. tea, rather. Blah. I'm brewing coffee in my dreams. And watching happy goats dance.

  4. tea, rather. Blah. I'm brewing coffee in my dreams. And watching happy goats dance.