Dear Teenagers of Today

Dear Teenagers,
Hey, listen, it wasn't that long ago, that I was one of you. Angst to the heavens, the know-it-all attitude, a need to test limits, snarl at people because my life "sucked". I remember experimenting with makeup, and realizing I looked like a clown. Then I decided to keep it clean and work with mascara and lipgloss. I preferred to look like I still had a heartbeat. We gave you the "Bell-bottom" resurgence, the skinny jeans, dear God, the awful boy bands, the awesome grunge bands, and we tried to make "goth" cool- (I knew better than to attempt black lipstick- thank God.)
Right now, you're all big, important and all growed-up! Forgive me for infantalizing you. But if you act like a child, I shall treat you as one.
Sometimes, adults have a moment where they dream of simple things, particularly around the holidays- like, visiting with St. Nick without irony, without shame. Sometimes, not knowing they're saying it loudly, they will actually voice this. Yes, I know. When you sneer grow up through those twisted little mouths, while attempting to look big, tough and grown up, I look and I laugh. You thought I was younger than you, didn't you? Yeah, I pass sometimes, and it's occasionally a good thing. I can tell you this: Miss Piggy would have been appalled by your makeup... all caked on, zits a poppin', bright, frigging peacock blue eyeshadow all the way up into your brows? Your mother lets you OUT like that?! When I was much younger, I'd watch old Cyndi Lauper videos. You don't know, you're copying the "I slept in this hair, then pinned it" look from that era. The peacock blue shadow? You betcha. The skinny jeans, the Chucks... sheesh. So original! (I wore those in 7th grade!) You look like you died after a nasty incident in a Cyndi Lauper video, and the coroner was lazy and just embalmed you as you were. Foundation is not supposed to look like your face is orange and your neck is white. On a clean face, it's supposed to blend in and be a sort of basement for the house you build with makeup. Which should never take away from your natural appearance.
Sincerely,
Bethy
PS. If you can live through what I have, and have a sense of humor, have a soul left, then you may sneer. Thank you.