I blog gluten-free

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Black, White, Shades of Gray + More

I can be a rather cheerful thing- I love people. I love making sure they feel happy and aren't neglected. I try to ensure that I am honest with them, even if I don't necessarily pour everything out all at once.
I love to wander- you see, as JR Tolkien said (GEEK ALERT!): "Not all who wander are lost." Right now, my favored jog it out, which burned a lot of kinetic energy that might otherwise have been held back until somebody got in my face, and I let them have it, is out of the question. If I cannot do anything about my snow, though, then I'll ensure I have a hot drink at the ready, tuck my jeans (I probably should get snow pants and thick socks) into my poor boots, which will not, likely survive this winter (and I love them, too!) and brave the arctic. You'll probably find me caught sneakily making a snowball or something. I'm considering building a snowman in my garden.
But I do have some propensities towards melancholia. I see or :"feel" others' moods, and I'll feel rotten if  I can't help. (Even when I'm assured that I need not worry, it's happened 3 times this week already.) I don't easily let go, and when it's dark so much, the recent deaths I have to come to terms with- that DOES happen, I'm told-hit me like a sack of bricks too.
Which might explain this, which wasn't necessarily meant to be emo:
B.supposes that on some level, no matter what got tossed at me, I never could understand when shades of gray got tossed around into the sharp black and white view I always had. I don't know if I should be grateful or sad about that.
People tell me often, that with all I've been through, I probably should be bitter. I don't know how to be. I've been described as "innocent with a dirty streak". Or, "You didn't come through unscathed by it all, but somehow, you were uncorrupted." I don't know. I have my ways of dealing, and some odder habits too. I still need something at night... I never was scared of the dark until 2008, and now I tend to need at least a small light. I still keep a poor little stuffed animal that has been through all sorts of hell- moves, dorm rooms, rips, tears, my crying on it, wash machines, needles and thread, rips and tears again- near by. 
I was also saddened when I went out to lunch with a high school acquaintance. They informed me that I was a little too honest, that it just isn't human. 

Trust me... I know my mortality. I know I've pulled stunts that could make you sick. I know ugly, because I've dealt out ugly. I fought with things-am fighting with things. I've even learned a healthy- or unhealthy- dose of hatred! I smiled when I heard my ex husband got arrested. I laughed when I found out he was homeless. If that isn't ugly human behavior, I don't know what is.
I have to dump my poor attitude somehow. I guess writing it down is a good start!
*News: I am working on a 30 day Photo Project, which I will hopefully, at the end of it, learn from and attempt to post in here. I'll make sure I post details. 

No comments:

Post a Comment