...And Then, I Woke Up

For the past months or so, I've been working on a huge self-improvement plan. Because here and there I like to take stock and fix anything I feel is wrong.

I've also been fighting a return to seizures, to which we have no cause but an accident I was in in '03... boyfriend at time gets drunk and sloppy with friends. Boyfriend is... well, the most polite way of putting it... is/was a dick (who knows, he was going on 19 at the time, maybe he straightened himself out.) Boyfriend says something to a really drunk friend that irritates said friend. I never had seen this before, and I have not seen it since... the friend jumped into his lap and started hitting boyfriend with his head! (Blood ensues, I try to detangle myself as I am in prime position for what has to be the weirdest, most violent fight I've seen... and because I got accidentally bonked a time or two. They're detangled, and out goes Boyfriend into the 60 degree weather, looking for a fight. Bruised and bloody, guess who goes after him? (Barefoot, at that, it was summer, and sudden chill or not, all I could think was "I've got to get this kid home!"--and well, my "protect the baby chick" tendency.) Boyfriend is drunk, and rather politely referred to as a dick here. We'll not go into the massive stress and weight loss I dealt with or his need to separate me from people. I don't remember much...went to touch his arm to see if he was OK, and ended up falling (my memory and everyone else's are different, I was the only sober one however. He didn't want me drinking because I'd become a horrible alcoholic and because apparently, I can't hold it and become a little bitch. Some prince.) and hitting my head, hard on a raised sidewalk. I was out of it a number of days, after forcing him, and promising in weird delirium that of course my family wouldn't be mad! Among other things. Apparently they'd never wanted me to be happy, yada yada. -to let me go home, as sharing a twin bed (which I hated) with a 6'2", 200 pounder is not conductive to restful sleep. (especially if you are ending up on the edge between mattress and boxspring. I broke up with him just before the July 4th festivities. Or rather, the cops did, with my blessing, whole other story.) The massive headaches I'd fought from age 8 started... I tried to ignore them as I could and just get things done. In spring '04, I ended up starting a day badly, being frustrated by everything, fighting like crazy with everyone concerned, hating light. and having a bad appetite. After thinking "rest, I need rest"... I sat down to try to do so. All I know is: At the time, we had a couch with wooden bits for ornamentation. Mom heard a sickly crack, crack, crack and ran in to see me in full-blown seizure mode. With the help of a friend, RIP, <3,  missed dearly not just for being there and saving my life (When she knew something was up, she grabbed me up in fireman's carry and rushed me out the door.) I was out of it, but got out of the ER some 6 hours later. As always, I was subdued and rather hung-over- feeling for a bit. MRIs and EEGs have shown "artifacts", but no natural causes. So far I've done the entire anti-seizure drug spectrum... when I was on Pheno-Barb, someone told me their poodle was on it. This did not reassure me. (The poodle had this bizarre walk and its head always drooped to one alarming angle. Poor pupper.)
After dealing for sometime, they stopped! I went 5 years without, and was feeling really very "chuffed"... (I had to use that word, I love it, so.)
and then stress got to me... life, mourning, etc... takes a toll sometimes, and I never can discuss things properly.

Recently, I couldn't shake a headache... Excedrin, caffeine, Imitrex injections... so remembered... hot baths help my head...so went and laid for a bit in hot water. Then I "came to" a bit, after apparently dozing... and realized, one, I had to move and fast... I inhaled water, and came up fighting and coughing. I spent some time, dressed only in a bath towel, on a blanket, not knowing what was going on, only that I hurt. Then it went black. I was hungover-feeling for another few days. I also had a really sore nose and throat for a bit.

I am working on having more days I can move than those I cannot. To ending this cycle. To figuring out things so I can fix them. I'm also not giving into a fear of drowning, screw that! And, I am going to be mischievous, and have fun.