Where the Peppermint Wind Blows, Part One Billionth

One can have one problem pop up at a time. One can, as I tend to do... I think someone up there is trying to make me stronger the hard way!... have about 15 pop up!
If a famine, flood, or pestilence happens, it is neutral. It happens. If a government chooses to hurt rather than help, does not feed the hungry and makes it difficult for the hungered and hurt to find help, then it is evil. This does not just "happen" it is a choice to hurt, not help. At least, this is how I look at it.

I realized the other day, I really need to sort my problems out, one by one. Mourning? This is kind of an unavoidable reality. I know I've come to terms with a lot, including miscarriages, since at least '03! Can we mourn the still-living-in-body-and-dead-in-spirit? If so, that's my 5th right now. I have family issues...they have problems of their own with just one death and the apparent new-found greed of some people! (I got mad and shouted, "I don't know what the hell this is... Grandma hated rancor, loved family, accepted all. With her gone, you realize, at least one person has had things she was promised, or should have at least had a fair share in, ripped out from under her!") I've felt like I've hurt them all, I cannot be cold and calculating, I cannot just brush things off. I feel everything. I am not able to keep my mouth shut and be strong. Perhaps part of a deeper issue... I'm also having urges to fight for the underdog. Even though I'm an underdog 9/10 of the time, for assorted reasons.

Not the only people I've hurt!
I let a lot of my issues, all the things that have happened, an abusive teacher, a lecture in my subhumanity and not being uppity to my non-disabled betters get to me. And color things for me, in a way that I should not have done. I became a bit distant. Three friends- close- asked for hugs. I kind of attempted the half- hearted "Oh come on, we feel it but don't show it in this family!" joke. Sort of true--- but I've never been able to not show what I feel. But somehow, I didn't feel like I should just grab on tight. Something held me back. I heard every nasty lecture on me come back to me. I remembered someone, who, is in a position where they're not supposed to do this, who shoved me years ago on a flight of stairs...leading to a bad fall had someone else not grabbed for an arm. Part of me said, "You're in for pain, you know." I think part of it is just having a lot of things crop at once, and end up entwining, mixing with the older stuff I have had yet to deal with. The stupid thing... the person who had saved me from a fall was someone I momentarily had an issue touching! This didn't last long, they are one of the few who can just grab and hold without me putting up a fight.

I thought I had to apologize to Mom for my continued anxiety attacks. I realized, when I really calmed myself down, that apologizing for a reflex that comes out of the body fending off attacks and becoming a bit too good at it, is a little silly. I realized that at times, there are things that I do by my power, my thought, my deed. There are things that happen. Anxiety attacks happen a lot when I'm sick and am trying to fight it with stubborness. That I really should quit apologizing for things that I have not done wrong, that my body needs help... and I am getting it for myself. But I'm having to fight a lot.

I do need to- as a general rule, not apologize for things I have NOT done. I've even apologized to my fridge because I bumped into it. Recently, I had to get a grip on myself-  When I said "Excuse me", I burst out laughing first, then into tears! How silly!

 I really have not been myself... and I don't like it. I don't like my rotten little attitude. It irritates me, because I am not generally, a gloomy person, even in spite of it all. And part of me, I think, still has that 6 months per stage rule, and I keep wondering if maybe the idiot who told me that was right, in the back of my mind. Which is really very stupid, but regardless, I've also let self-doubt creep in. And I second-guess myself.

I always talk up a good game, of preferring to be honest... and yet, I hide a lot. I always think I've said too much, that I never could get it straight... (I've got to quit allowing the nastiness people use on me creep in... I AM responsible for me, they are not)- I was told to keep my mouth shut last time I got smacked around by a former family member, shortly before I moved, because I am too stupid, never get the story right, and always cause issues--- I need to stop listening to that. Yes, my brain IS all over the place, and I am not sure how I feel, but I know... if I don't I am just allowing myself to lie by omission.

I'm on my way, I think. I made some major progresses here. I have a really long way to go. But I suppose... I'll figure out where the Peppermint Wind blows... my way of saying "Yes, I've found my place, I am comfortable". And I am too stubborn a snot to give up!