So Tired Of Being a Good Girl

Sometimes, I get tired of loving, but asexual relationships. Of always being a cute, sweet friend, but never "the girl". I have no illusions that out there, someone waits for me. A girl with constant headaches, scars, who needs to watch every move and facial tic to try to understand a conversation, who will become annoyed by breath down my neck but not pick up the words spoken behind her, who lives in fear of things that most take for granted, is no catch!

I've had a few that I tossed to the curb- for insulting things I could not change "Ethopian gut", "Too many scars", while assuming they had easy access to physical release. Not knowing... if I don't have an emotional connection, if sex were to take place, it could be impossible or painful for all. Here and there, I still recall "You make me need more, you just lay there. You're so into your faith, you don't understand that the rules have changed, no one just has one sexual partner anymore." I remember being forced by a drunk man while people watched. Then getting beaten because I couldn't willingly have sex with him to please someone in a mood to watch someone else have sex. Apparently, I'd ruined his erection and the other guy thought his penis would break from hitting my pelvic bone because he couldn't get in. The three some arranged without my knowledge and my escape after getting tossed out of bed for ruining everything with my reluctance.
Now, today, I want very much to chuck my usual "good girl" ambiance... I can't change ME, not totally, but bring out more of the tiger I like to think I can be. Dress a little sexier, nothing much, actually figure out what I want.

I have no illusions I'll ever be in another relationship as most consider them- I think I'm paying penance for breaking a heart that now, it's too late to go back and fix. ("You're sweet, but honey, I think you're too good for me"...way back when in '03.) So, I'll adore my friends, and if offered a shot to quietly bring out more of me, later, I will... right now I'm working on the nightmares, but wanting to show more confidence, wanting more to be that sweet girl. I'm told I figure in dreams, I get flirted with, but I can never take it seriously. I am a mess. One guy who did want to try something, offered an "easy out" and I took it. I'm not guilty about that. I'm guilty because I think I have yet to quit hiding things, that might allow me to finally release some aggression, because I know that I will lose a lot more if I say any of them. But grief is getting to me too, and I don't know how to get it out. Crying is good, but when I am so close to doing so, the "A good soldier never cries" speech comes back to me, and I suck it in. But I don't want to be a good soldier, or a good girl.