I attempted one of my 12 Steps, from my orderly little list- unfortunately, make amends for the people you've hurt, came up and coincided with grief for a lot of losses. It was, I suppose, not the best time! And, the cold brings special issues... a return of exhaustion that ensures that I'm not capable of dealing as I normally do, the stiff neck and headaches, the flu symptoms that don't abate well. And the side-stitches that mean that I occasionally have to lay down, or sit, before I fall, with or without computer.
And chaos, of course... so many sad people and sad creatures. The natural world and the cruelty of it still shock me, and I think that it's past time that I should be shocked. A favorite little pet met demise by cat. And I hurt watching the starving deer wandering around. I suppose, in the natural world, I would likely not survive . But, as for now, I have my wits, I don't know for how long.
In the summer, my last EEG didn't go well, besides the fact that I was exhausted, and had a migraine going. Apparently, some parts on the left side aren't working. This might explain my lack of balance, and the fact that I slowly seem to be losing the mathematical skills I worked so hard to learn. I had to really fight one morning while doing some figuring. And, if I make a stupid mistake, that really might not mean much, I'll be the first to nit-pick at myself. I guess I was damaged by disease and abuse, more than I knew. I'm terrified. I made a small decision, after seeing the pain from Aunt Marcia...when she could no longer give her husband what he needed, or be physically there, she felt guilt and it ate at her, while her hubby took his mind off of it all, cheating with one of her best friends... whom he was engaged to the second she died. If I become that sick, there will be no man in my life. I don't need anyone to see me hurting... and besides, I like being everyone's friend.
Well, that was a great vent, let's call that a day.
I've had to learn:
*You can't help them all. Sadly, I am a doofus and will try.
*That saying "no" will not make me a bad person.
*Not everything can be categorized.
In the summer, my last EEG didn't go well, besides the fact that I was exhausted, and had a migraine going. Apparently, some parts on the left side aren't working. This might explain my lack of balance, and the fact that I slowly seem to be losing the mathematical skills I worked so hard to learn. I had to really fight one morning while doing some figuring. And, if I make a stupid mistake, that really might not mean much, I'll be the first to nit-pick at myself. I guess I was damaged by disease and abuse, more than I knew. I'm terrified. I made a small decision, after seeing the pain from Aunt Marcia...when she could no longer give her husband what he needed, or be physically there, she felt guilt and it ate at her, while her hubby took his mind off of it all, cheating with one of her best friends... whom he was engaged to the second she died. If I become that sick, there will be no man in my life. I don't need anyone to see me hurting... and besides, I like being everyone's friend.
Well, that was a great vent, let's call that a day.
I've had to learn:
*You can't help them all. Sadly, I am a doofus and will try.
*That saying "no" will not make me a bad person.
*Not everything can be categorized.
*I don't always have to follow from an organized list of Thou Shalts and Thou Shalt Nots.
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