My "Date"

While the cold of winter has brought pain- I actually had to lay down for a few minutes to ride through a wave of pain last night- it's also brought its' joys.

I did have a great time, though- not just as a distraction from feeling everything acutely and wondering what the hell I did. I went out with a new friend that is trustworthy- and just misbehaved, let out the silly- even though my heart hurts for a lot of reasons (that one is not literal). I only felt bad that the painkillers quit, and I had to say "when!"

I was mad at myself... because I'd gotten very angry at things I'd been told, like "You know, you hide a lot." (No kidding!) I was feeling very mad that I wasn't my normal sunny self, and that I thought that's what people wanted out of me, and I disappointed. I know when to say "when"- and to lean on someone for a bit, or distract myself, although I was told, via a shout in my ear from someone with a good case of beer-breath, "Smile, it's pretty" a lot.
I had fun, no judgment, no craziness, I could be myself. I still hurt, I still felt crappy- that apparently in trying to help, I had instead hurt. But the foray into the chill let me just rest a bit. We all need to pull ourselves away sometimes. And sometimes, that means braving the cold and being silly with a friend. I'll be sunny, someday. I'll be my smartass self, blush, old-lady minced words, and try to see humor in the wildness of life until I do. I'll always be an empath... with 100 fingers, rather than 10, constantly "feeling" the world. I'll always feel bad when it feels I've angered someone. But I'll feel worse if I anger myself by not getting up and doing something.