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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

...Renewed Shall Be Blade That Was Broken

Two friends conspired, without realizing it, at different times, to make me laugh and to remember that I have survived so much, and can do so again. While chaos swirls around me, I smile and remember that.
Because I adore Tolkien, (Yet again, GEEK ALERT!) this made me grin very wide, and to nod my head and say, "Yes, that's IT!"
Thanks, Melanie: "All that is gold does not glitter,Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,The crownless again shall be king."
~Tolkien

And, remember, and this still makes me chuckle: "Not all that glitters is fabulous"- some gold, some prettiness, is sadly, fool's gold... shiny and worthless.
But, I renewed my resolution, one I've been using, as a guidepost, for many years: I can only improve me, and I need to allow myself my mistakes, this is how I'll grow. If I have been broken, then I know I can depend on me, and depend on a few others, to bear up. Sure, I've been in the shadows...sure, I've been fighting, and some battles have sadly, been lost. But I still have fight and fire. And I haven't been yelled at for being stubborn for nothing!
I am sad NOW. I won't ALWAYS be.
I am not going to feel shame unless I hurt myself, or another. Easier said than done, though. But this is why I choose to make my promises long term... I don't break them, I choose to ensure that I leave room for error... human errors.

I am strong... I know what I'm doing. Sure, I can't predict my future, and I know that struggling is what I know best.
I will lean on those who give me strength. I will let those who deserve to lean on me. I will learn to understand, and to not shed a tear when I need to walk away from those who have hurt me. If someone hurts me, however unintentionally, I will say so. If I feel shoved, I will say that.
One friend is fond of saying, "Those who matter don't mind, those who mind, don't matter". Simplistic, perhaps, but I'll run with it.
I have to understand, I cannot force myself to fit in every mold made for me. I will change, we all will, but I cannot change for someone else. I will never not be a little old-fashioned, girly, a blushing nut case, mildly perverted, silly person. I probably will always be affected by the world around me... at times this really isn't always a bad thing.
I will not wind myself up so tight I can't heal for a long time.
This, is my promise. To me. 

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