Unbearable Lightness

Unfortunately, I think, people have caught me during one of my 12 steps for NA--- based on the AA principle. Understand that I have done wrong and have hurt others. Dumbass that I am, I managed to have it coincide with my winter flare up! And, to apologize to people I might not have needed to. I have a rotten habit, I will apologize if the sun is too hot, or if someone does something that irritates another, removed from me. Like, if my mother hates the atmosphere at a cafe, or someone is rude to her, and she tells me, I'll apologize profusely.
I was upset- I craved something that wasn't good for me, and I blamed that- I told myself it was my own damned fault even when the issues unrelated to that- the headaches, the lung pain, the sharp rib pain (odd, as it isn't there anymore), the nausea that I've had even before my indulgence with gluten, came rushing back. I attacked myself. I let stupid things color my judgement of people... when they might have been attempting to be funny, I took it as "They secretly think you're a damned idiot- serves you right!" I still hide a lot, because it's still a gigantic jumble for me, and I've seen people say that if you have it tough, and multiple issues happen, it's your own damn fault! Bad people bring bad onto themselves. Ergo, I was bad. Then I thought, and what of three year olds with leukemia, you damn asshole? More guilt I gave myself.
So many are hurting... often by the nasty way the world works... and if I can't help, if I feel I hurt instead, and I tend to think I am, I'll find myself feeling guiltier and winding myself up. I can wind myself up pretty good! I feel bad, because people hide things from me, thinking me too gentle and nice to deal with it, which I should prefer to the way some have used me as "Too sensitive, makes good punching bag!"
There's a middle ground right? That I can be there, and if needed, told "Hey, listen, you don't need this on you, so I'll think it out myself". I don't do well with too much noise or too much silence. And I know no gray areas, it's black or white with me.

Right now, I'm in the question and guilt stage of grief too... when I go for something, I sure can go all the way! Jeez! I feel guilty if I can't be sunny, or my "sweet" self, or if I can't wave a magic wand and make everything better. I was mad one day, because those who suffered only one really bad thing were moving on like it never happened, and I on the other hand, am stuck!

Plus, while sleep is lovely- "knits up the ravelled sleeve of care", mine is infested by nasty comments made to me. I figured if I dreamed it and it stuck, it's gotta be right, right?
"My God, you're ugly today", "Beth don't get angry... it's a sin and you're already on your way to hell", "You made things difficult for this family"... damn- there are times when I wish I had the propensity to tell people to "fuck off" as opposed to just taking it in, and wanting to make them feel better.

But worst of all? Feeling like I hurt and shoved people back. That they met with a brick wall with me and now hate me. That I make people uncomfortable and am the manipulative bitch I thought I was. Damn, I'm a mess... I pray to God, I still have friends when my illness which I cannot quite fix, as its' one of those hangover effects from a fight with my bacterial meningitis... because I keep pushing them back when I wish to ask "Can I lean? Can you just lead with humor, I'll go from there, please distract me".