Happily Running Amok

I had a big puzzle set before me. One piece offered me a "Eureka!" moment. I cannot allow myself to just be hurt because I see sadness around me. I can do something about it, when I am able. I can be "there" when I am not, but on occasion, must protect myself from flying blood and guts. "Renewed shall be blade that was broken"... I am a fighter, I've seen tragedy unfold a million times. One could say my being alive, and being "reasonably healthy" (although at present, due to natural illness and my own bloody stupidity 12 days ago, this is a very relative term!)

I cannot always help others. I can always be there, in some way. I am not perfect, and I cannot expect myself to be. I am unable to supersede my own humanity. If not capable of perfection, I am capable of progression.
I cannot allow the nasty things said to me, by people who chose to take frustration out on the "Sensitive quiet one" to color my opinion of myself. If I let them hurt me, this is my fault.
I must learn to, when I finally trust, to allow myself to get it all out when they offer an opportunity to do so. I've seen so much written that no one can have a lot of crazy things happen like they have, that some people just have victim mentalities. I chose to translate that as "They're right. No one will believe you." This was wrong, and I have held back a lot. I've said a lot, but I've held back, lied by omission, or told a half truth a million times, not emphasizing WHY something was done, but attempting to breezily change the subject.

I am feeling peaceful, in a way, although still sad... I haven't got the words, or the ability to organize them to say to those and I know many right now, who see themselves as bad, and yet, show grace and gentleness and humor, to people when they most need it.
There is not one person I write about... unless you count that I might make a composite out of people... and write this character.
But, it's the wee morning hours. It's dark and peaceful, and while I'm up and running amok- I felt sick enough today that I knew I had to rest or risk that I'd break my 5 year record of no seizures- turned into, yes, I'm being quiet, I am tired, I will rest my eyes for a moment... fade to black and snapping awake at 11:30PM saying "Oh, Shit!"

Hey... good news: I HAVE NOT HAD A SEIZURE FOR FIVE YEARS NOW! (the anniversary is June, really, but I'm choosing to celebrate that I can keep myself from doing so with low doses of meds and "rest when you need it". ---- so while I run amok, the rest of you, have a good sleep.

Look around you, friends
look inside of you
say peace, my brother
peace, my sister
Peace, my Soul.
If you stuck with me through this rambling, thanks.