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Saturday, October 20, 2012

Rag Doll Girl

*Please note: I have no ulterior motive here... and in reading this, there is nothing laid at any door.--- At this point, however, in lieu of answers in my situation, I am tired, I am running empty, and feeling it, showing it... because, if I have none, I can give none. 

I'm not a rag doll, please, quit pulling--- if I come apart at the seams, all the safety pins in the world won't hold me together, and it won't be teddy bear stuffing showing.

To toughen me up... it's a double-edged sword, isn't it? Chances are, eventually I'd break... that I'd finally say something.

I could, it's so easy...answer darkness with darkness, let my hopes, my flame go out. I have fight, I have hope yet. I don't run with guilt at my footsteps.
"Spit in one hand, hope in the other, which gets fuller first?" I have tangibility, though... I know my constants. I know getting hard, letting hope die, not fighting, even if misunderstood, even if, try if I may, I can't quite make myself understood...
I love. I am loved. I build. I have some new surprises on the way! I laugh, I find new things, daily, that remind me... "It isn't that bad--- you're ok, forgive yourself, too... it's still beautiful here, if you look..."

I had a running clipshow nightmare... yes, I remember those places... I know them by name... I am not there, I am free. No, no faces--- no voices--- but being sick somehow caused the running "Help me! Is this it? I'm trapped!" part of the clip show. Ah, Little Brain, I think sometimes I should treat you like a terror prone cat. There, there. Pat, pat.

I am alive, I am free, I am human. I can laugh, I do, I get better. One day... I'll be... hmm... I say, sometimes, as wistfully as Dorothy Gale says "There's no place like home," in The Wizard of Oz, "I want to be normal"--- no, that's not it... I want to be.. that me... the only me I'll ever be, or so it goes, (I gotta be me...) that can be silly as she pleases, can simply enjoy the loud and be alone, or with a friend in the quiet, not ashamed to need the softer silence to recharge, that forgives herself, as easy as others do, that knows, if it is stormy, the storm will pass. I cannot give anger for anger. I am trying to learn not to apologize so much. I will forgive myself for having a bad day here and again. I will fight for me. I'll put on Bob Marley for now, after the song I have on now, and, soon, yes, my boogie shoes.

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