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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Humanity: Thy Name is Frustration

I can't lie... I am sad... because try as I might... this won't come out right.

YES. I SCREWED UP. I didn't say the right thing at the time. What was the right thing? I'm not sure... I don't know... I do know... when I wrote this... I had many faces in my mind at the time.

  • No one is better or worse, more or less important. Every single person who is or  has been in my life... is a person. First, foremost and above all. They are not what they can do. That's what tears me when I get things that are misunderstood--- things that I was not pointing at a person--- taken to heart and then blown up... 
  • I cannot go back and unmake mistakes. I can ensure I don't make them again. Period. I realize nothing I can say will actually come out quite right. 
  • But I am grateful. I remember the good. At this point, like many... I am searching for answers and sometimes, I am going to say things that can offend... because I am attempting to look at all of this with humor, and some of it is inappropriate, to say the least. 
  • I am not apologizing automatically-- this is a goal I'm working on. It leads to some awkward times if I feel I need to... because I'm trying to avoid one word that tripped out so easily from early childhood, the only word that really did. 
  • There are things I'm trying to leave behind me, because I want to go towards the next set of goals, big and small, and I shudder at some things still. Yes, maybe I avoid things. That's for me, my priest, whatever. 
  • I think two very separate sets of arguments went on. It's unfortunate, because it's left me sad and frustrated that I couldn't sort through it. 
  • But I meant what I said. Here's where anyone stands with me. If you've been there, goddamn right, I am fucking grateful. And whatever the reason, yeah, it fucking hurts to keep butting heads. What did I look for? I don't know. I guess I was trying to put whatever darkness I felt behind me. I wasn't going for inflicting more pain. 

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