I blog gluten-free

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Kissing Aunt Bertha

Some people seem like absolutely open books. These same people, while attempting honesty in all situations (whether or not it's stuttered is another tale altogether)- still might keep a veil between themselves and others, even when all seems very close and cozy. It wasn't, for example, that long ago that I still attempted a five foot distance from most males physically. A relationship that I had in that time frame suffered from that and other issues, mainly, I couldn't touch them, literally- would occasionally touch an arm, but it was an effort- so of course, no intimacy, and kissing felt forced. There's a type of kiss children tend to give... where there is the barest contact...especially if they're kissing Bearded Aunt Bertha. I tended to treat my boyfriend at the time as if he were Aunt Bertha. I can occasionally fall into "Epic Friendships" with men... all the way up to "Why aren't you dating?" or "Really? You guys are CLOSE". But whether or not I can touch, feel, whatever, there is still something I'll hold back. Whether that means that I rely on sarcasm and humor to hopefully lessen tension, particularly of the sexual sort, or flirt without realizing that I'm flirting until someone tells me I am- I see myself as a scarred, skinny beanpole still, (I'm working on that) so I still don't quite grasp it when told I'm sexy or flirtatious as many times, that hasn't entered my mind to physically act on the adult side of human relationships. I tend to "pick up" men in minefields- somehow, finding someone I cannot share completely with, who can't do that for me- the "We like each other, but..." relationship that isn't a relationship. So in a way, even if capable of sitting next to, or touching, or facing a man close enough to smell cologne or soap, part of me still will close off. Even if they know things I won't generally discuss with others, there's always something I keep quiet. Sometimes, they'll guess at things-- I think I stutter or stop at the wrong points when attempting to be blas`e. Right now, I want to get close to people- including family, and yet, I want to run away and fast.

No comments:

Post a Comment