Kissing Aunt Bertha

Some people seem like absolutely open books. These same people, while attempting honesty in all situations (whether or not it's stuttered is another tale altogether)- still might keep a veil between themselves and others, even when all seems very close and cozy. It wasn't, for example, that long ago that I still attempted a five foot distance from most males physically. A relationship that I had in that time frame suffered from that and other issues, mainly, I couldn't touch them, literally- would occasionally touch an arm, but it was an effort- so of course, no intimacy, and kissing felt forced. There's a type of kiss children tend to give... where there is the barest contact...especially if they're kissing Bearded Aunt Bertha. I tended to treat my boyfriend at the time as if he were Aunt Bertha. I can occasionally fall into "Epic Friendships" with men... all the way up to "Why aren't you dating?" or "Really? You guys are CLOSE". But whether or not I can touch, feel, whatever, there is still something I'll hold back. Whether that means that I rely on sarcasm and humor to hopefully lessen tension, particularly of the sexual sort, or flirt without realizing that I'm flirting until someone tells me I am- I see myself as a scarred, skinny beanpole still, (I'm working on that) so I still don't quite grasp it when told I'm sexy or flirtatious as many times, that hasn't entered my mind to physically act on the adult side of human relationships. I tend to "pick up" men in minefields- somehow, finding someone I cannot share completely with, who can't do that for me- the "We like each other, but..." relationship that isn't a relationship. So in a way, even if capable of sitting next to, or touching, or facing a man close enough to smell cologne or soap, part of me still will close off. Even if they know things I won't generally discuss with others, there's always something I keep quiet. Sometimes, they'll guess at things-- I think I stutter or stop at the wrong points when attempting to be blas`e. Right now, I want to get close to people- including family, and yet, I want to run away and fast.