I blog gluten-free

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Surely, Embarrassment, Goodness and Mercy Shall Follow Me

Embarrassing moments. I'm not sure if I have more of them than most people... I do however have a distinct problem. I have a hard time hiding when I'm shocked by something. I do joke though, that I embarrass myself quite often. But hey, I gotta be me, and all of that.

Let's see if I can actually pull up a Top 10 List:
Panicky 2AM Phone Calls
The first I recall, had to do with a rather interesting issue. That is, newborns are teeny tiny poop machines. And something that tiny can create a flood. I realized during this escapade, that Huggies Preemie diapers suffer from a distinct disadvantage: Mama will be wearing what comes out via the leg holes as Huggies makes them utterly gigantic. "Oh, my God! it's... everywhere!" Sob, snort, sob, sniffle, heavy breathing. And oddly, a little lack of sympathy from my sister, actually ATTEMPTING to stifle giggles on her end. I thank God she at least TRIED! Finally: "Beth"- giggle-apology-giggle again- "Shit happens." I had to laugh too.
The second was more or less the "Holy cats, I have a Houdini on my hands" call. Lorelei came home with an apnea monitor. Three small sticky pads I had to replace, 10 feet of frigging wires and a possessed machine that Lorelei delighted in causing to go off in its' maddening way, seemingly, just by laughing. Newborns can indeed laugh. I have witnessed that event. I would wrap the wire through and feed through the tapes of her diaper...the Preemie Swaddlers work well for this- to make it neater. One night, I got her bathed, re-taped, and into her pajamas, and put her down for her beddy-byes. I suddenly felt that alarm go through me...and ran in. The pillowcase nightie thing- a lot of newborns wear these-  had hiked way up, and she had her diaper, wires still attached, at her ankles, and was...giggling? Cue call to sister, who thought this was great and absolutely charming. After I'd nearly had a mommy heart attack!
9) My wedding. I spent it, unless I was with someone who was in my corner so to speak (There no matter what) or with Miss L.  with a quintessential plastic smile on my face. I think it's funny to go back now and realize that I was not fooling anyone... my fake smile was pretty damn obvious. D'oh!
8)Mistaking very, very specific and somewhat filthy words and phrases for something food-related. At least I can laugh about it now!
7)My younger cousin and her habit of looking at me and saying "Oh, Beth, you're really flat" in public. (I have yet to tell her "Hey, at least *I* don't fall out of strapless bikinis.")
6)This is the point where I stop and realize- good golly... Embarrassment follows me where'ere I go!
5)People find it funny that I am apt to say "Oh gee golly gosh..." if they realize that I could cuss a blue streak, they'd be shocked.
4)Years ago, at a party with mostly gay males, I was the token girl. I was spending the night to help out with decorating and what not for the big bash, after the little "Food and Fun" thing. I'm on the sofa, watching TV, and suddenly, the owner of the house, a very gay, very ancient man, comes down naked, as casually as anything and tries a conversation with me! The look on my face, confronted with naked 70 year old man was apparently priceless. So then the guys come down...apparently, I was watching TV while there was- good heavens I don't know what! going on upstairs. So there I am... pretty innocent 18 year old, surrounded by naked gay males. I pressed my face into the couch while they had a chuckle. What, girls don't blush anymore? I never looked at any of them the same way again.
3)The same old man sitting down NEXT to me and inquiring if I'd like to sit on his lap. Even if I'd known WHERE he'd been (or conversely, if I had had no frigging clue!) I would not have been tempted. Instead I jumped a mile!
2)Some mean girls threw me into a dumpster on my first Homecoming Dance night. Why? Apparently because they could. I know I looked and felt like some weird swamp creature climbing out again.
1)Babysitting a girl who decided to get drunk on cough syrup at Junior Prom (Damn, Nyquil is harsh!). Ever walk into a mens' room in fancy dress to carefully and gently drag a giggling drunk girl into the right bathroom? What I saw and what I heard will not ever be unseen or unheard. At least the guys were reasonably polite.

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