Growing Up

Around certain times of the year, as the leaves change, as the flowers bloom, I find myself staring at the "Oh so simple" image that tends to get me "Miss"-ed by teenagers, I want to look like an adult. Without looking hard or jaundiced. Maybe it's staring uncertainty in the face: I've been told I wouldn't make it this long, I have lists of symptoms and take medications that make people blanch. If I were to photograph my morning or evening meds, I'd assume people might be like "WOAH!" --and that excludes monthly shots and daily vitamins! I like it sweet and simple... it gets complicated enough, you know... people's cracks beginning to show, or knowing that you can't do much but recharge and be strong for yourself---that I'm afraid I'm sending up too young of a look... and I'm the one who can go from appointments to impromptu hiking, all with nice clothes, mascara, makeup, carefully done hair, mani, the works. I can't do a full on "va-va-va-voom!" because I wouldn't be comfortable. But since I'll be doing fall shopping, I suppose it couldn't hurt to add in some things out of the usual black-white-gray-pink and dark jeans ensembles. Maybe even do what I was joking about and buy a Guatemalan belt... I can always use more belts, anyway.

Even my perfumes tend to be simple... I have, for example, a bottle of Grandma's Miss Dior from the late 40's, and even if it were new, I'd probably not wear it... because it's not the clean scent I know, although I loved Grandma-smell.
I've loved the "Grace" fragrances from Philosophy forever... Pure Grace has become the favorite, clean, soapy, with a hint of musk. Greens and violets, waterlilies. The added bonus is people who get close to me---a slippery slope!- who say "Oh, what is that?! I like it!" Not, "Lady, your perfume greeted me at the door!"


MY FAVORITE SMELLS IN LIFE: Cookies, fresh baking smells, oranges, "cold"---that smell around December, full of pine needles in the air... chocolate, coffee brewing, soap, freshly washed babies, just-washed cotton sheets. Pert Plus. "Man Stink". (You get it, or you don't.)

FRAGRANCE NOTES I AVOID: This might explain why I dislike French perfumes... those "sweat" notes. They're fine, fresh... but how long is sweat fresh? Those aren't reminiscent of sexy for me, but of  "Woah, dude, shower much?"


So, I think I need help. I am an adult, while I can easily blend into a crowd of teenagers, and get kids' tickets sometimes, I like to be an adult. My mom tells me I was born 90 years old. I want to send up that I am, above all, a happy, sunshiney, pretty woman... nothing old-ladyish, nothing too tomboyish... I see that I may add some plain (not checked) flannel in, so will have to add something interesting visually. And maybe try some skirts before it gets too cold.

I forgot how to be social... because I had to recharge. Because I am recharging. I am trying to bring my confidence up.

Yeah... I'm working on it. Because in spite of everything... I don't want to lose what is essentially me. I'm scared of losing myself. When people tell me I've changed, like it's an accusation, it fucking hurts. Because it's humanity...not perfectible, but able to grow, to improve. And that's what I want.