I blog gluten-free

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Cold Comforts

Do not look at me and think of all I cannot do, either now because things went funky and I'm fighting, or because I'm simply not capable, yet. Do not look at me as the sum of all my parts... she's sickly, she's scary to me, she... *gasp* isn't perfect, has had a hard time here and there, and sometimes, sometimes, she'll see people in pain and hurt like hell for them. Look at me, for what I am...stubborn, willing to fight for what's right... if I am wrong, I can apologize later. I am not perfect, but I think I'm pretty damn fabulous, and I can pick myself up after it's been rough... yes, I'll be sad, or have confusion. I am human.
Don't give me bizarre half-promises and fill me up with all sorts of nice things... "You're sweet, you're strong, whatever you do, don't become jaded, I want you in my life, I feel... guilty..." don't tell me not to say goodbye a million times and then get to the point where apparently, I'm too real, too open, too sick, to be looked at properly. Don't think I'm only after one thing... I don't look at people and see what they can do for me, the sum of their parts. I am frightened and confused.

See... I want very much to run from this. To not be worrying about more answers I don't have, to not have this feeling like I'm being... avoided until I no longer cause a sense of guilt.

I don't see people as simply people who can do things for me... I get emotional, because I can see good, even when it's hidden. I don't like gentle lies. I can't gently lie.

I want answers, treatments, not to be worried, or frightened that I lost a friend. It does get to me... I do get frightened. That I am apparently so embarrassing, that to say "She's my friend" has lost luster. I don't want uncertainty! I'd like to run from me, be healthy, be able to smile and avoid things that are too real for a while.

Look at me... I am not physically strong, but I am spiritually so... I can fight, I can be there. But understand, I am not just a sick, sweet girl. When I give friendship, it's because I saw something... goodness, joy... I care nothing for pasts, for what you must apparently show to the world... it's the person, plain and simple.

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