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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Broken Hallelujahs

My body is weak, and while uncertainty of any sort drives me to insanity... lord knows, I lost myself somewhere last week... to those I frightened... it's later... I was a shit. I can only be humble. Trying not to say "I'm sorry," so I imply it when needed.
 Still attempting to sort through the muck and find my center... which also sort of got lost, but the rosary bracelet, and my prayers, however teary and frantic they may well have been, my broken hallelujahs, were sent up.

Spending time down by the water didn't give me that "Sad Walking Music"/ "Dust In The Wind" type thinking... in fact, as I've often told friends: "Do me a favor: don't let me think"... I simply was entranced by sunlight dappling the leaves and the calm creek I climbed down rocks to be closer to. That's another thing: I am going to do those things people often warn me not to do... "You're fragile, you break easily, physically... you really want to trust that your broken pelvis healed, considering that it was helped along by a congenital pelvic deformity?" Yes, yes, I do. I want to climb, I want to jump, clamber, dance to my internal composer. (I have the shoes to do it in, too... and don't think that 15 years of gymnastics will let me waste their flexibility.) I want to get out there and kick ass as only I can. See, I'm nothing if not stubborn... life has not let me have it on a silver platter, but I am blessed, and that, that lets me know that I will be blessed again. I may be shy around some right now, I may screw up... but I am finding my peace as needed. I'm not fragile mentally... God knows... I can't be. I may take my frights and bumps, but I will dance, and I will show joy, hope that I can make people smile, (there's no use to having a tendency towards really weird sarcasm if you can't wring out a belly laugh occasionally.)
I'm hoping to an end to tests and uncertainties, although I know, after getting a diagnosis, I will probably be tempted to send "I have a disease!" texts that to the wrong person, could be really awkward!

See me? There's more than the sad girl, the sweet girl, the girl who lets others emotions tear her. I am going to be a little surprise, and if change in me saddens you, tough shit.
I am a bad ass mofo!

And this? No reason, but it's among my favorite lullabye songs, and it isn't heard very often.


  1. for the record, when a broken bone heals, the injured spot is usually stronger than the normal, undamaged bone. get out there and live, do what strikes your fancy. The only regrets I will have is the stuff I did not do.....