I blog gluten-free

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

When Being A Mystery Wrapped In An Enigma Sucks

It is not what I can't do.
It is not what I can't do, yet.
Here I am. There's a lot to me, humans are complex, and I, I am a human. I have my bad days, my ups, my downs, my anxieties. I can be weird and confusing, and maybe frustrating.

I wander the world mostly in t-shirts, jeans and those classy Merril shoes I picked up for $50, comfortable, feels like nothing, and can be dressed up with a skirt.
I occasionally braid in the morning with a "beach spray" and let the wind dry and style later. I like simplicity, I want shiny, clean, touchable curls, without worry they'll be "messy". I love to play with my fingers, whether twisting, or wringing, or just tapping out Iron Man without thinking. The fingernail tap isn't altogether a bad method for picking out music, Dolly Parton basically wrote 9-5 on her acrylics. They'll break occasionally, my nutritional values need to catch up. Until then I'll play with color.

I'm going to mess up here and there. And I'm going to learn not to beat myself up.

Sometimes, I may go through a crisis- I am now. I'm working through it. It's tough, I always was taught not to discuss it, and I feel a little a-drift, so sometimes, it might come out all wrong. I'm not easily understandable. I can only promise I'll try. After one person so nicely decided to turn everything I said into phrases I'd never mean, or use, like "I'm better than you", and things that made me so sick and uncomfortable, I had to stop myself before I said, "My mom is the only one who can talk for me, and I hide my irritation only because we shared a body once." I also detest when I feel people are talking at or around me.
I'm not attempting to be an enigma, or to confuse... I'm simply fighting through. It's been a lot to take in, of late, family friends who have sudden brain aneurysms, trying to deal with fears, new victories, new sadnesses, uncertainty, a need to do things I'm incapable of now.

3 comments:

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  2. Pastor Chris KesterAugust 31, 2012 at 1:43 AM

    Just remember you have friends here to support you and we love you just the way you are! -Pastor Chris!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Chris :)

    ReplyDelete