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Monday, June 11, 2012

Two Steps Back

I am going to quit pulling stupid stunts that lead me to guilt.

I have got to quit internalizing, and just "shrug" as the case may be... rather than focusing on the problems the world brings with it. I cannot, and should not, let other people's griefs and neuroses wear on me. I need to find an outlet (I'm considering buying a punching bag.) I need to quit being afraid of negative emotions (Are they actually ever negative, or is it just a perception?) of my own, while letting anger, callousness and simple humanity roll over me. (Mixed metaphor time coming up, I think)-- I have got to quit being irritated by people who, for whatever reason, need to hurt, malign, shock, make others fearful or uncertain, and not become that way myself. I have got to stop being so afraid I'll boil over at inopportune times after working so long to keep things quiet and rosy-tinted that a sudden boil over ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. I cannot change the world--- it is what it is--- dark, gloomy, foreboding and full of ennui on the one hand, the type of behaviors that can end up leading to people taking enjoyment from misery--- to sweet and simple on the other- as I recall from math class as I started teaching myself a few lessons that got missed... half of the difficulty comes from thinking, "Oh, this sucks and it's so difficult" and/ or second-guessing myself. Instead, I need to focus on the sweet and simple... playing with ingredients in the kitchen, the ability to sit out on the hill and watch the birds--- the cardinals, the finches, the house-cat sized crows, the rabbits, the deer. On healing. I can't change or fix the past. I have allowed myself to confuse others with vagueness, or made mistakes in whom I trusted. I can change the future. If my footprints on this world are small and shallow, I can at least make what paths I cross on the blue, green, and brown surface of the globe more beautiful... by just letting myself be. Focus on what's good, rather than "Am I going to have a stutter? Will I get ridiculously irritated watching people hurt each other for--- I guess it's supposedly fun... all I know is, it's not my particular idea of a party. To each their own. Yes, I need to be there for others... I tend to get in trouble as a result of this. First: I need to help me. But I am usually terrified that if I break, that that's all that will be remembered. Others' behavior need not cause me to have a moment of stark clarity, and remember everything. There's forgiveness. I need to start remembering that. The forgetting will come with the territory. Will I perpetually worry that something looks wrong, that at that moment in time, the person that worried about things I shouldn't have will bubble up and I'll be a nervous mess. Confidence, among other things, is in the works... and I cannot screw it up by second-guessing or living in the past. I will get better. IT, life itself, gets better. Why am I screwing it up letting people get to me? Screw that. I don't think it's too late to say "OK, that was a step or two backwards. Now get going". I can't change other human's minds but I can accept that for some the world is black and dark, and they need to hurt as they have been. I cannot accept that for or of myself. No more mouse...and no more holding back--- I will find some positive way to relay my emotions... or accept those things I can't change. I cannot let myself constantly attempt to change the impossible. And there's so much good, so much work has been done, and more to be done... why screw it all up? And now, the last thing I need to remember: Don't analyze. Enjoy. Do what you need to do, sometimes, others need to shift for themselves.

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