I blog gluten-free

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Promises, Promises

I consistently have questions on my mind---and probably should ask a few of them so they quit circling like a hive of angry hornets above my head.

One of the major ones, which I probably don't want a "How-to" for is "How do people get jaded?" See, people have asked me for some time now, to keep my eyes open wide, and not get jaded. And I've generally, knowing the dictionary's definition have attempted to answer that I would at least try not to- so many times, it's said with fear, and by telling me with sadness, that it's too late for them. I feel like I'm the person in a horror flick with a chance, trying to help an injured person with no hope who tells me "Move on, damn it!" But- they're still capable of fear and begging me to continue to wonder, wide-eyed. And it seems, oddly, that they are fascinated by me being a bit naive still.

The process cannot be instant... and from what it seems, many are not nearly as hardened as they claim to be. You don't just snap awake one day and inbetween peeling your head from the pillow and making coffee, suddenly shout "It's always the same, nothing ever changes, and I hurt, damn it!" If so, I've done that a gazillion times.

Hell, I've had moments where I doubted. But I was always told to remember faith.

Also, I've beaten a lot of odds...
-I used to have a congenital heart murmur. It has now gotten to the point where it's as if it never existed.
-Before I began the gluten-free diet, I had a nasty issue with my bladder, around Christmas '09, they were telling me I needed surgery. In January of 2010, I went for a check up as I'd begun the diet around Thanksgiving of 2009. They could not, much to the doctor's shock, find the issue. Prayer and GF diet, I said (I had done a lot of praying, as had my mom & sister among others)- they begged me to keep those up.
I am going to go for the biggest odd... to be alive after age 30. I am, despite some bumps, healthier than I ever was.

I have what I've beaten, numerous death sentences (really, it's what the predictions amounted to), bad times, some pain. I've had to lay my dignity down for help... from burn care, to asking for help which I've never been good at. I had and still occasionally do, a slight fear of males...at one point, I literally could not get less than 10 feet from most males, things falling made me jump, and I had to slowly learn to counteract that.
I've seen people control others, hurt others, and mostly, for fun... and out of greed... and still do. I understand that there are people in the world who will do that, world without end.
I've seen tough people deal--- and often wished I knew how to help-when things splintered for them. There are dishonest people in the world without shame. There are people with a need for control. There are abusers. I know that.

But apparently, I'm still a wide-eyed kid.

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