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| Because, I still haven't got the words for it! |
I need to be a bit more careful in proffering polite refusals. When challenged, I will, even if I'm confronted with a mere mention on Twitter, lower my eyes, duck my head, and say "I am very small, and am trying to present no challenge to you." This is a rotten habit I am attempting to break, one I can't remember where I acquired it from, but have been attempting to break it for some time now.
I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. I'm scared of angering everyone, and trying with difficulty to keep people afloat in both an effort to please people and to avoid fights, which I cannot tolerate easily and will cause me literal physical pain. I've been getting sick...everything from my neuropathy to summer colds and allergies being exacerbated by the stress. So, let me try to phrase this in a silly, sarcastic manner:
(I am really trying to attempt to avoid the worst fratricide since Cane and Abel.)
1)You want to make a large life decision, without asking ME, but instead, basically forcing me to do something that makes my stomach lurch upward and my heart take up the space my stomach used to be in. After telling me that my premature birth was what killed Dad, that I am at fault for our nutty family- you think that's going to be forgiven, just like that?! Whoops, that was angrily serious. Let's try that again.
Ok:
Can two polar opposites share living space without killing eachother? Will Beth acquire a new pair of testicle shaped-earrings? The answers to these questions and many more... no wait, I conflated the Odd Couple and SOAP...
er:
Quizzer: Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? Joan Crawford's House. The Odd Couple. SOAP. What do they ALL have in common?The answers to these questions and many more...
(Answer: People who SHOULD not live with eachother. With mayhem and murder tossed in for good measure.)
Ok, how's this: I offered a visit. I would be delighted to VISIT family anywhere. But you yourself described Fresno as the land of No Opportunity. I left that behind to come here... why would I want to go west to attempt the same bullshit? And over 1,000 miles away, a fight about goddamn HUMIDITY?! Ok, thank God I stilled my fingers, "I've heard Hell has no humidity, but I sure don't want to live there, either." Dude. Seriously. Let me make the world work for me. Let me struggle, let me work, let me fight, let me live and love on my terms. Not yours. Especially when hateful hurtful crap is lobbed to me at least once a year. And it sticks WITH me.
I will visit. I cannot live with you, bro. For both our sakes. Get your head out of the clouds and focus on you and your family. Be blessed. Know I love you, but it is not right or good for either of us.
~Love, Beth
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