I'm thinking taking care of Grandma in the last months last year- and trying to keep her-and the rest of the family- on an even keel, might have flipped a switch or I'm heading into another stage of grief. I let a lot get to me, and am overanalyzing even more so than I usually do--- I just want to shut off the "tick tick tick". I quit dialing Grandma's number back in December... I would dial the first 6 numbers, and say- "oh, wait..."
I'm going to do my damndest to allow myself time to rest- I need it... but keep my brain from heading into the "Hyper Speed" mode. I always need to analyze. But I also have an odd sense of humor, I know how to have fun, I can be a goof. I'm not the serious little girl I always seem to be. Life is painful enough, why not laugh? I can worry about the dark shadows over all later. I need to quit the "knee-jerk" mama-ing... I keep wanting to tell people "Hey, Trigger! Give yourself time to think!" But, I know time to think can be a bad thing, too.
There were simpler days--- listening to Bach and Beethovan, waiting for the music to change, grow, and seamlessly meet its' beginning again. I tried to think, though, about "when was it when I did have the sweet and simple I'm always looking for?" And I didn't remember being a child even when I was. Although people, bless their hearts, did try.
I need to pull myself out of myself. Too much time to think, means I will be serious at all the wrong moments. In some ways I kind of envy those who had it a bit easier, who can cry a bit and keep going...rather than getting lost in my own head. Bloody hell, yes., I feel older. Like I'm 90.
Ok, Beth--- time for a pact: No more stinkin' thinkin' .