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Thursday, March 24, 2011

My Dearest Darling-Dear

Dearest Darling-Dear,
This is the year I set limits.
See, in your quest for revenge- never mind that you have 3 major issues with my ex, whereas, I have from 2005-2008 chock-full of things I'd like to forget, not that his behavior to you was OK, not that it is any less painful or nasty, but let us put that into perspective. 3 times he treated you like shit, tried to bed you when I was too sick, and generally expected sexual payment when you came over... because you took his attention off me, who would "misbehave" and he'd not be able to do anything about it... but--- over those years, I learned a fear of the dark, fought off and had to prosecute a "friend" of his that he'd let in without my permission... among other things. And you keep bringing up the goddamn past. Well, honey, I can't allow it. I stated explicitly, "No more discussing ______ ." No more stalking his Facebook, I can block it, and so can you. He has no idea I have one, and when you do your stalking and warning bit, you bring attention to me. Remember: there are people who fight his battles for him. I like being calm and free. I do not want to go back to hiding in fear. Now, the phone rings and I hide, like I used to do... I have to choke back screams if I feel like someone's too close. Because you dredged up the past, opened wounds I thought were healing.

On top of it, love... there is apparently nothing I can do right. I am "too skinny"- my hair doesn't pass your specifications, I "go quiet" too much. You seem to want me to be angry and bitter, but I'm not allowing that.
You then think sending me a cute video of your son while I am still angry is going to help? You're going to "cute me out" and I'll aww and forgive you, and you'll start the process again?
I want things to change. I want to keep you around. I mean, 15 years of friendship, begun in Spanish class when I was in 7th grade, is nothing to sneeze at. But honey, friends don't hurt eachother. They love eachother. They understand LIMITS. I don't think I should require safe words for conversations with friends. When I go mute, it's to process things. I don't think I should have to process all that's been tossed at me.
I love you. I hope things change. If not, I will have to say goodbye. With a smile on my face.

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