I blog gluten-free

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

First, Cast Out The Beam Out Of Thine Own Eye...

I'm angry right now... someone I've known since I was 13... the mother of one of my nephews- whom I knew almost from the moment of conception (I wasn't there for that, thankfully!)
Sweetie, let's put it like this:
Wrong has been done you. Yes, by someone who did terrible, awful things, to me and to others...blaming it on "My mama never loved me, I've had a hard life"- but... revenge, sweets, isn't ours to give. The past IS the past, and I leave it FAR behind me. Your need for vengeance has me in terror again. I just learned-am learning- to lean... but I don't find it easy to lean on you.
Remember this, love, it will do you well- I don't need the "loving" constructive criticism on my weight (Yes, I do not absorb fats. I have gone far below my pre-pregnancy weight and am trying to survive and enjoy.) Yes, my natural red, from the Celtic forebears on my grandfather's side of the family does mix in with my blond. And in summer, if I leave it natural, rather than my attempts to brighten the dark, dishwater, not quite blond-not quite brown with red cast, it does indeed become almost strawberry-ish. Indeed, I am considering a strawberry blond at present. Love, you say things... "lovingly" that hurt- about me, about the past- that I wear the scars of- and I bite my tongue and attempt to maintain composure. Because I know, your mouth is unchained and there is nothing I can do about it. I respect outspoken people. But not when I am getting hurt in your quest for revenge. You are a Wiccan, I may be wrong, but is not the watchword of Wiccanism "An' it harm none"?
I am not a Wiccan, yet I try to live that too. And this.
When you are "attempting" to give advice, out of "love"...remember: there are things I will not discuss. Yes, I will slip into selective mutism, a wall I gave myself after I finally learned speech, to think and absorb and come to terms with the world around me, because let's face it: It's scary!
There are things that are so awful, things I have purposefully chosen to walk away from... and I have run and will run again.
Love, the easiest way to say this is simply:
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.- Matthew, Chapter 7, Verse 5. (KJV- I read the New American (Catholic) Bible, but rather prefer the KJV on some things!)
That is all, I love you. It hurts to be angry, it hurts not to trust you. But I am and I don't. 

I don't feel as if I can do anything right, even those I cannot help, or change. That is not friendship. Friends understand, respect, and love you because of you and your faults, not in spite of them.

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