I blog gluten-free

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

March Madness

I'm a little sad and a little irritated with me, lately.
That I can never just say what's wrong at any given moment and it ends up becoming a long, depressing, angry moment later. That, when others are sad, my sadnesses take that moment to rear their ugly heads. I thought I'd gotten into "comfortably numb"- a defense mechanism- which lets me deal with things at the point I'm able to, and not all at once... as I am not capable of handling about a thousand things at a time, sadly. It appears I have a while to get there.
On occasion, my tendency towards pure honesty, comes out more brutally than I'd like it to. I do hide things... except from a very select few. I admittedly take a lot of things out on myself, as I find myself shying away from most. I get agitated with myself for being mousy. My head ducking, my tendency to attempt to avoid more dark conversations- I hate having people made uncomfortable or depressed dealing with me- as opposed to "Ok, this happened. I'm fighting, but I'm slipping"- I'm still attempting to just be a goof... and waiting until I can be more objective.
I am letting my "Must be perfect" tendency, which I know, drives me to the impossible, as I cannot be, but can strive to be a good person- take over me on occasion. This won't help me... and won't help those I want to help. And, while I am making a lot of progress, I admit... I've slipped lately. But... no, I haven't dealt with a few demons lately--- just the nightmares- and my literal hair-pulling tendencies. But... as for all else, I am clean. And I thank my lucky stars for that. I am, all in all, extremely blessed. And grateful. So I'm a bit mousy. So be it.
I've got work to do--- and I'm, by God... not quitting 'till I'm done.

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