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Sunday, September 2, 2012

No More Ghost Girl

I cannot change my past, nor what it may have taught me. It has not changed my personality, or my hopes for a brighter future. I cannot help but to sometimes be dreamy, to be a little terrified... when things are wrong, and life is so insane that you are terrified of everything and anything, you become insular. Yes, I need my recharges... it is true that too much, too many people, too much noise, too much around me, too much talk around or at me, will exhaust me. But so will silence after a while. This is when I know it's time to face the light as well as I can.

I cannot become bitter. I cannot shut myself off simply because I have been hurt in the past. To do so is to hurt as I have been.

I cannot allow myself to be peeved by misunderstandings, which sadden me, as I try so hard to be upfront and direct.

I will never see anyone as the sum of their parts. No one is all bad. Not a one of us, is all good. We are not capable of pure goodness. I will have human reactions: anger, fear, overwhelming sadness, I will get shy, I may seem prideful when it's that I've learned not to ask for help, so asking for my needs is tough.

I cannot handle it when people tell me not to change, I know what they mean, but taking that literally, it means I'm perpetually stuck.. the eternal vestal virgin, to tease, to joke with, to flirt, as I generally never know a flirt when I see it, and may say something the world may construe as flirting and mean it with 0% intent, but as a statement. When I try, it comes out weird and wonky. But, I am an adult, with needs, drives, feelings, not just a sweet girl with an illness... I don't introduce myself, ever, as "I'm Epilepsy Girl, my name is Beth, and I like playing Space Invaders, roses, candles, and old movies..." I never introduce myself as "I'm the Girl With the Multitude of Problems"... no. It's "Hi, I'm Beth." (Most of the time, in both English and ASL, automatically.) And you do not have diseases. You are affected BY, but you are not your problems.

You are not your problems. You are not what you carry between your legs, or not. You are a whole person, and the wrinkles, the cracks, the little darknesses add to the bright things, and vice versa, and make a beautiful picture.

I am Beth. I am who I am. I am whole. I am going to kick the world in the teeth. I am going to step out of the shadows, and greet the light, wide-eyed and full of joy and wonder. Screw with me, now. I will be a ghost girl no more. I'll only look like one!


  1. It is time for the butterfly to shed the cocoon and spread her wings....your true friends are those who support this effort. Just do not forget us little folk when you grab the world by its throat...

  2. I won't even forget the ones that I lost :) Because they taught me, too. And in time, after the wounds heal, I find that I am extremely thankful :) <3 But the good stuff is what I try to remember the most!

  3. I'll remember. Even the darkness is a teacher. :) But while I'll continually remember, hopefully, the good, and not the bad... time to go forward! I thank my teachers... both for strengths acquired in negative and positive behaviors. I am going to thrive. And then some. :)