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Friday, September 28, 2012

Going With the Flow

How do I put this in a way that doesn't reek of snobbery? The hell with it, I'll go with letting it all flow and if you really know me, then it reads as it comes out naturally. If you're reading with an automatic disdainful tone, then "I went to a concert, where I forgot I was in pain for a while" will sound something like, (oh, God, this following phrase is going to hurt like hell, as it's unnatural and full of false vitriol.)---"I am better than you, I am holier than thou..."

In the abstract, I understand humanity is complicated... both dark and sweet, like the scents of my memory... the dark, dirty-sweet smell of ambergris mixed with purely-sweet flowers. In the concrete, I have to wonder why it seems like life occasionally mimics Hitchcock.

I have nothing left. I have no axes to grind. I have other projects, other tasks to perform. I haven't got it in me to hold hatred in my heart, to sing "I am happy" while wishing for others' pain and looking for things to be offended by. As the nights grow colder, I look for other things to do, other projects. Am I angry sometimes that general statements got taken personally? Sure. I'm working it out. Am I going to slut-shame, vitriolically accuse of every crime? No.

My "Fragile psyche" is just fine, thanks. There's nothing wrong with feeling... I hurt when others' hurt... it's how sometimes people get close enough to hurt me. But I will not take to being ordered around, have every move tracked, have people threatening me, and when I take time, and believe me, looking down the barrel, as I am, fighting as hard as I am for answers, I will need time off from everyone... being attacked... is wrong. I would not dare use personal tragedies of another to hurt them. Their mistakes are theirs to deal with.
If So and So is doing something questionable you don't approve of? Their life! Their consequences!

I offered forgiveness, not hatred. Not a new chance to offer fear and vitriol. I will not dare say all that I have been hurt by. It needs to be laid down and forgotten. But a call from an untraceable number (nice try! I know that trick!) with disguised voice? Oh, sweetie. Report away. Spy away. I will continue to grow and thrive, to try to gain answers and my health, and to wish you the best. And actual genuine happiness. But I will not be good, quiet, gentle, sweet, anymore. I will not behave. Not for you. I did not intend to shove the first time but simply take time to recoup... it had been rough, I wanted quiet... from everyone. Something general was taken personally, hell broke loose. Never once did I plot, look down upon. Never once did I wish anything but happiness. Genuine happiness doesn't need to spy, to report, to look for ways to feel angry. It just lives, it just is.


  1. I hope you're not flying off the handle at me. That comment I left was not directed in pain. Guess you have more delusions then I thought. If you want to talk that's fine by me. I don't have your number anymore I deleted it. So how can I call you? I don't have it written down and if I was going to call you I wouldn't block my number. This is what you wanted "space" I gave it to you. So I made it permanent. I don't report to the asshole. You probably have someone else doing it. I don't have instagram so that's definatly not me following you there. I have this account and Facebook. I blocked you on that one. I have twitter but I can't follow you there. So you offering forgiveness for the past has no merit if you're going to continue to blame me for shit. This is enough!! I've had enough!! Slander is a prosecutable offense in new york and I can and will follow to the full extent of the law. That's no threat that's promise. If YOU knew me at all you would know that I'm not that way. You're too thick headed to see past your fog!!

  2. And I just searched white pages for your number. FYI I can find it. My number showed up at 4:13 pm call me back because your machine didn't pick up

  3. I don't use my home phone, had cancelled white pages... also, what part of "I HAVE NO AXE TO GRIND" do you not understand?! A general statement was made. Taken out of context. I had anger heaped on me when I wanted quiet... I think I have a right to be a little sad.

  4. And while I am very sorry to have accused you of THAT, I don't know if talking will help. It isn't me with the delusions...sorry. I made a mistake. Someone else played a game... unfortunately, playing an age-old trick.... People bring in your name as a threat. I have a right to forgive feeling terrified of a friend, because I did not have the wherewithal to say "I do not like that... please quit", and people kept using you to threaten me. But don't pull the gaslighting on me... (look it up in your textbooks) I'm refraining FROM making snarly comments for a reason, if you need to prosecute, fine. Just remember: I did not intentionally shove you. I am sorry if I did. Actually, I'm saddened to have had to deal with this, I do not like saying goodbye... that hurt. But making a general statement? The "Ass that's shitting on me" wasn't you... I ended up in fear while people played games. All I heard was "So and So is doing ____" when I said I wanted quiet, it was simply recharging I needed. Sorry, no delusions to be found here... any anxiety or stress would come from physical pain, which I am attempting to fix, as I hope to fix ANY issue.

  5. I have always been there for you. Never once have I intentionally intended harm to you. Especially second hand, ie asshole. It's just nice to know where I stand seeing I've known you since we were teenagers. Compared to people that don't know you except for being able to follow your blog. I won't prosecute. But next time find out the truth before you do this again. I wish you well and I'm hoping they can help with your pain and get you feeling better. Goodbye