Don't get it twisted:
You're a friend, first, foremost and above all. That's why I worry when I feel sadness, when you let people walk on you. When I see a good person being hurt. I've seen it, I've felt it. Don't say my antennae are up again... I pick these things up. I don't like feeling like everything ever said or done was misinterpreted. Again. And frankly, getting you out of your shell, and hopefully just letting you be yourself, not a creation, not an exaggeration, was my priority. Because I care. I can't switch it off. It's how I get in trouble, but there it is.
You've been hurt, you get yourself hurt, and you hurt others, by using your pain as a weapon. You do not make decisions, but hem and haw until others state what you want them to say, to avoid having to take responsibility. This isn't a good habit for a long-haul. This is a good way to find yourself very frightened and having to cover up by being more of an ass.
You ask questions that dig and leave bleeding, and sometimes I find old questions resurfacing. And the excuses... no.
I don't like the grilling, even the "gentle" version... because it isn't, it's just a scream in a whisper.
I failed you somewhere, trying to be a shelter from storms, to give you a center, to give peace. For this I am sad. I cannot run from my own problems... but I can deal. I tried to teach you that pain isn't something that needs to leave you hollow, that you can live, to be joyful, to be bright, anyway.
I don't love in spite of. I can't. You're you. The whole person. You have strength. Don't bend any which way the wind blows. Be a man. Be the good man you truly are. People will respect and like that. Those who don't didn't belong on your life in the first place. We all have layers, and you are not just a smartass, not just an asshole. You have heart. And you're losing yourself. I fear for you.