Miss Beth Takes On Dear Abby

Every now and then, my email gets a little backlogged. I decided to see if I could manage snappy answers. Because, well, being a smart-ass is my salvation at times.

-Question: Dear Beth, how do I go about finding a good gynecologist?
Answer: See that he's gentle. It's not that I'm sentimental, it's just that I'm horrified.
Ooo{And there are people that I'd rather never think about in that way. Shudder.}
-Question: Dear Beth, I have this growth...
Answer: I'm told that a cold shower takes care of that.
(Actually, they were talking about a mole, but until I replied to a vague message asking "What the hell?" my brain did quite a few circles. I could leave you in suspense, but really--- not my style, no brain-to-mouth-or-keyboard-filter, and all.)
-Question: Dear Beth, the world is full of theories and craziness. How do you cope?
Answer: Well, it goes like this: "Were the sky actually falling, Chicken Little, the sky would come to rest upon the mountains of idiots that plague the land". Not seeing people laid out flat here there, everywhere, gives me reassurance that all is where it's supposed to be in that regard.

-Question: How can you be a Catholic?
Answer: Not easily. Rather hard on the knees. Wait... Ok, actually-We all go through a period of confusion. I'll get back to you.
-Question: I'm a nice guy, why can't I get a date?
Answer: That never flies with me. Nice guys truly have no clue they're nice. And no, I don't particularly enjoy the time-honored pursuit of pretending to find my coffee cup interesting while someone discusses World of Warcraft. My humble apologies to WoW fans.
-Question: Do you like sports other than ballet?
Answer: Me like hockey.
-Question: Dear Beth, why do you insist that Edward G. Robinson was miscast in the 10 Commandments?
Answer: I expect Dathan to chomp a cigar, ask where his money is, and order an egg cream and lox bagel. "Whey-ah is yo gawd nao". Brooklynese is not, I suspect, an accent germane to the atmosphere of that region about 5,000+ years ago (est)
-Question: What color was Jesus?
Answer: if Jesus were born to a woman in Galilee, I would think he'd likely have a rather olive complexion. Someone living in that area likely would have that Mediterranean skin, not to mention the sunlight, etc
As for Hay-soos, it varies. I'm assured that he's available for lawns this summer.
-Question: How well do you speak Polish?
Answer: I think I recently accidentally asked my Aunt Gertie where the pot stash was. I seriously meant to ask about the whereabouts of the bathroom, I was dreadfully afraid it had somehow been misplaced! = )
-Question: Dear Beth, what do you think of these Nigerian scams?
Answer: I had no idea scams had nationalities. But my friend Ibraham is very nice, and he's praying for me.

DISCLAIMER: This concludes another fun installment of Ask Miss Beth. Send in your questions. Note: I may be sarcastic/ snarky. I may be extremely blunt. Do not expect a straight answer, but expect that I do not have a filter between my brain/ mouth/fingers. If I feel it, I say it. Thank you.

Sometimes, the questions are complicated, but the answers are simple. _Dr. Seuss