I'll try to put this into perspective.
There is FAR, far more going on than I can handle. I'm having to just focus on me- I'm OK... I'm a feisty broad. But- there are a gazillion situations.
*Hitting the stage of grief where you don't necessarily think about them every day. I've quit dialing the first 6 numbers of Grandma's to ask her for coffee.
*My family is falling apart. And when fighting with eachother while the will probates, who is the one they go to?
*I felt shoved one night. I had tried to explain: "Give me time to myself. I need to focus. I need to recharge. I need to think." It had, at that point, nothing to do with you. I wanted to think, I need to protect myself.
It felt like, when I was started on with: "I've read all the psychology books and law books- you need help 'Friend to friend' -(Wink?) " and told me that what every lawyer, everyone I know has told me, was wrong- simply because I had said it, not Miss "I Am Always Right". Piling in every issue and attacking ME, personally? I do my damndest not to do that. You want to start a clinic for battered women? That's actually great. The Salvation Army does jack shit. Would I EVER put one down? Are you fucking kidding me? Way to make yourself look like an ass in public- instead of focusing on the issue try reminding me of my ex husband shouting "You're crazy! This is how a man makes sure a woman behaves!"-and justifying his abuse with "Oh, she's just crazy, so she gets shy sometimes, it's her psychosis". (When I was actually hiding--- physical wounds!) sure, bring it ALL rushing back- and the times I was told to "Get help" after I'd run. Hint: Do not, when someone is healing, rip off the goddamn scab.
*I know that I accidentally missed some calls. This is not unusual. Next time, alone or not, I am answering it with "I'm getting laid right now, can I call you back?" *CLICK*
If I ask "Am I only your friend if I agree with you" and you ask me to hear reason, then you gave me a fine answer, indeed.
*My alarm bells are ringing loudly, and I may well be able to be referred to as Chicken Little. This is stress. Stick by, I am not generally a lunatic.
*Of course, talking is hard--- I'm not sure what to say, and well, I gotta sort. I also need a vacation. And a massage. (Happy Ending, too? <----I kid)
so if you are pissed at only me then why are you exiling people that do care about you? unless you want to be rid of me completely then so be it. I am truly sorry for the things that I have done and the things that I have said. and the video was sent when I thought things were ok. How was I to know if you were pissed at me when you never TOLD ME!
ReplyDeleteAnd yet again, the point was missed. I wasn't pissed. Until suddenly, I felt attacked. Up until then my only thought was to try to refocus. Take time. And yet again, there's no way TO clear up the situation. When I said "I need to take a break" it wasn't to exile anyone. It was seriously, "I am taking a break so I can think". Then misunderstandings cropped up. I am bleeding in a way. I am not phrasing things correctly. I am venting. So that I can get it out and that's that. I am not exiling people who care, don't assume, please. I have tried to call, but got only anger, instead. While I was trying to think, a lot got piled on me. I have to feel the sting of what was said to me, and I have to work on that, along with the original, "give me time to think". Because frankly, what hurt most? Having to take out a restraining order on someone, because I did not pull my bulldog (their words) off of a few backs, and I had allies of someone I'd rather not think about, on my back. Because while the "situation" I asked not to hear about may have happened a while back, but they don't forget and I got served a healthy dish of fear.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet again, the point was missed. I wasn't pissed. Until suddenly, I felt attacked. Up until then my only thought was to try to refocus. Take time. And yet again, there's no way TO clear up the situation. When I said "I need to take a break" it wasn't to exile anyone. It was seriously, "I am taking a break so I can think". Then misunderstandings cropped up. I am bleeding in a way. I am not phrasing things correctly. I am venting. So that I can get it out and that's that. I am not exiling people who care, don't assume, please. I have tried to call, but got only anger, instead. While I was trying to think, a lot got piled on me. I have to feel the sting of what was said to me, and I have to work on that, along with the original, "give me time to think". Because frankly, what hurt most? Having to take out a restraining order on someone, because I did not pull my bulldog (their words) off of a few backs, and I had allies of someone I'd rather not think about, on my back. Because while the "situation" I asked not to hear about may have happened a while back, but they don't forget and I got served a healthy dish of fear.
ReplyDelete