I'm putting this down, because I need to organize this. I realize I'm tired already and will be dropping (really late... I let myself get into some work and didn't get out of it- bad way to distract myself.)
The major issue, the tonic clonics, and the localized limb seizures, are medication resistant. I kind of had that feeling. The problem is, that I've been reacting badly to the chemicals being put into my body. Adding in people who are "helping me" but are actually hugging me (WHY?!) and giving me the full monty with "psycho babble"- the hippy dippy, lovey dovey bullshit, the "best interests" conversation, the promises to do something, but then doing nothing, leaving me to do everything, and to top it all off, having to sort an insurance screw up, deal with the county medical center, and oh, for joy... the game of "I'm going to ask you a question. Then I'm going to insult you. Then I'm going to bring up everything horrible you hate talking about, while blaming you for the fall of Rome, making these suppositions about all and sundry, and not actually letting you answer me. Then I'm going to get mad because you didn't answer me and got frustrated trying."
To top it off, I occasionally have mini seizures WHILE trying to talk. And people talk over and for me. And people kept touching me. Hugging me. Coaxing me. Making nasty accusations, bringing up the past while alternately blaming me for having the nerve to be this way. Then, "I don't want to hear it. I had a hard day," OH, YOU HAD A HARD DAY?! A hard day spent emotionally smacking me?! I can understand how that must feel! I've felt horrid, Ma, that you've been having trouble with your thyroid, but you know, it kills me that you won't listen- that you've been alternately playing the smack and a kiss game lately. If you'd just hit me, I'd hurt less.
Do I want to be this way? No! I'll just wave my goddamn fairy wand and fix it now! And while I'm at it, I'll make my brother do whatever Mom wants, and my niece less like me, and Fedex will do whatever they did wrong right, and the post office won't be screwed up, and Rome won't have fallen...
Know what? I'm looking for a goddamn solution. What I'm getting is, "Do this, and best interests that" "Best interests" means "We take away everything you are, and have, and you are grateful we let you live." I've heard the bullshit before. Let me, for God's sake, if you won't help me, if all you can do is make me drink tea, find the solutions myself. Because you can't help me, if you're shoving me around. You can't help me, if I feel forced. I'll automatically armor up. This is something I'm trying NOT to do. If I am not able to speak for myself, then I am not safe. Don't say "We care" and mispronounce a name on a chart RIGHT in front of you, or refuse to listen to me, but let everyone walk on me while I'm struggling. Don't yell at me a day later, while I explain something else, for having a hard time processing! Do I want a new appointment? Yes. I want a new doctor. One I can talk to. One I can get to listen. I should have this ability.
And if I tell you to kiss my ass, I hope it's understandable. I'm not taking it. YES, I'm pissed. YES, I'm processing it. If I get help, then I'd hope I get it from someone who might actually understand me, and let me fucking talk.
1)Bro controls Bro. I cannot, in any way, have power over him. I do not want to.
2)If there are family issues, they are to be sorted among those people.
3)What Fedex does, is not my responsibility. I do not have control over them.
4)I feel horrible over your pain, and while I can't do anything, the guilt trips being added are hurting me too.
5)When something good happens, the bad stuff should not be dredged up
6)The past is that. Plain and simple.
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