I blog gluten-free

Monday, January 28, 2013


There are fears and crazinesses around... aren't there always?

But with anything, my biggest goal is freedom... fresh air, the ability to run amok as I so choose. I want to travel, to spend time with friends and family, and not have appointments to dread, to be... human.

Sleep is getting better, not perfect, but natural methods are working without extra medications delaying the melatonin I melt on my tongue.

I'm working on something fabulous... it wasn't just me who had a streak of good luck, among the chaos. Time to bake, it's been damn chilly, and the smell of cookies and coffee is marvelous.

Goals- eventually a small place I'm not renting, a basenji at my side, a porch swing. Smelling ocean air.
Not letting it get to me that so many insist they know me better than I do, talking over and for, not hearing me. I understand concern, but it's frightening me, not having a voice. I'm tempted to do jumping jacks, say something shocking. Like,
"I've got the research going, I've been doing your jobs for months, I was getting there, and you keep saying you want to help, but what about my input? I want to dance, to walk, to hike, to have the freedom to do as I wish. I might even want to have lots of sex that's illegal in 30 states!" (If I do this right, people jerk upright and laugh, first uncomfortably, then with amusement, apparently at me having said something dirty. Um, hi. I have a filthy mind on occasion. I also, y'know- am human, with all that goes with it.) It's tougher... I sometimes have to rely on people for things most people take for granted, but my boots take a lot of mileage, and I am pretty good at running up an incline, and through traffic without spilling a drop of coffee. (I live just off the Thruway, and near a stadium, so heavy traffic is something I can't always eschew.)

I want to simply enjoy- music, the girly stuff as I will, hiking, making mischief with friends. I want to be silly and shocking on occasion. I want to quit feeling fear from people I shouldn't be getting a sense of fear from! It makes me panicky, and then I have to work to quit jumping at simple little things. Right now, movies, a little classic TV, even a little Downton Abbey- I usually sleep through it but DVR and watch later---to distract myself. But it's time to get the world off my shoulders, and help others do so. But to begin with me.

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