Now that most of the holidays are over (I know Epiphany Day, the day the Wise Men visited the young Christ is coming up, and that, I keep close as a way of saying "Yeah, they get better) I think I can vent. I don't want to. I don't like to. I need to.
-I am so goddamn tired of trying to keep a family together that prefers to argue (Oh, but we come together for copious amounts of free booze when someone kicks the bucket, don't we?)
-Mom, I try not to tell you "no"...because I was raised to know that's disrespectful. Well, I'm saying it.
I was scared out of my mind with that well-meaning "Rest of your life" bit in a Christmas card. (I don't look behind that door.) I'm not going for a "rest of"... we all know I am not at my healthiest. We all know I'm trying to fix that. I want to simply live, without looking for the Reaper behind every corner. I know...it was innocent and well intentioned, but with everything, that's scary. While we're at it...
-Those damn people who call you instead of me, who, when they talk to me, treat me like utter shit, then start a cycle of nothing happening. I already detest being spoken FOR... I accept that from no one. I also don't like that knowing my wishes, you decided to go ahead and do what you wanted. With hefty paperwork to fill out. All of which is due in a time limit that is impossible to reach...you simply cannot mail back 40 sheet stacks of paperwork in a day. Or it comes the day after it's due.
-Feeling like I am responsible for how people think and act. For being so terrified to speak to people because I am trying to deal with my stuff alone, that I end up making it worse. Because I'm supposed to be a good girl, and besides... "what's Jeff doing?" Well, Mom, I can give you three guesses, thank you so much for letting me actually try to explain things you asked me about!
-Making me feel guilty because I'm just trying to survive, making me feel fear by calling me about drama, mentioning people I try to forget. No, remembering that bitch of a former-mother-in-law smacking me around while preaching her brand of Christianity doesn't give me nightmares, at all! Of course, the crowning achievement: Yes, I made mistakes. I do not need them shoved in my face every moment. I have been trying to get PAST them. Part of it, is attempting to find good things and people.
I'm frustrated. I don't get a voice. I have to be a good girl, and behave. And if I say "Look, I don't like this" I'll be punished. But what do I know? I'm just too sensitive. But not too sensitive to have everyone else's problems shoveled onto me.