I blog gluten-free

Monday, December 26, 2011

Stress Comes Wrapped in Pretty Paper and Tinsel

Now that most of the holidays are over (I know Epiphany Day, the day the Wise Men visited the young Christ is coming up, and that, I keep close as a way of saying "Yeah, they get better) I think I can vent. I don't want to. I don't like to. I need to.

-I am so goddamn tired of trying to keep a family together that prefers to argue (Oh, but we come together for copious amounts of free booze when someone kicks the bucket, don't we?)
-Mom, I try not to tell you "no"...because I was raised to know that's disrespectful. Well, I'm saying it.
I was scared out of my mind with that well-meaning "Rest of your life" bit in a Christmas card. (I don't look behind that door.) I'm not going for a "rest of"... we all know I am not at my healthiest. We all know I'm trying to fix that. I want to simply live, without looking for the Reaper behind every corner. I know...it was innocent and well intentioned, but with everything, that's scary. While we're at it...
-Those damn people who call you instead of me, who, when they talk to me, treat me like utter shit, then start a cycle of nothing happening. I already detest being spoken FOR... I accept that from no one. I also don't like that knowing my wishes, you decided to go ahead and do what you wanted. With hefty paperwork to fill out. All of which is due in a time limit that is impossible to reach...you simply cannot mail back 40 sheet stacks of paperwork in a day. Or it comes the day after it's due.
-Feeling like I am responsible for how people think and act. For being so terrified to speak to people because I am trying to deal with my stuff alone, that I end up making it worse. Because I'm supposed to be a good girl, and besides... "what's Jeff doing?" Well, Mom, I can give you three guesses, thank you so much for letting me actually try to explain things you asked me about!
-Making me feel guilty because I'm just trying to survive, making me feel fear by calling me about drama, mentioning people I try to forget. No, remembering that bitch of a former-mother-in-law smacking me around while preaching her brand of Christianity doesn't give me nightmares, at all! Of course, the crowning achievement: Yes, I made mistakes. I do not need them shoved in my face every moment. I have been trying to get PAST them. Part of it, is attempting to find good things and people.
I'm frustrated. I don't get a voice. I have to be a good girl, and behave. And if I say "Look, I don't like this" I'll be punished. But what do I know? I'm just too sensitive. But not too sensitive to have everyone else's problems shoveled onto me.

1 comment:

  1. What a frank and candid piece of writing. I enjoyed reading it so very much. Thank you for sharing!