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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Bethy's Guide to the Stars

Horoscopes tell you really general things. Taking them at face value can be an exercise in frustration.

But... fear not!

I present--- horoscopes for real people!

Today, something will happen. What happens after that depends on how you react. No horoscope in the world can tell you if Juan will finally bring you that conflict-free diamond the size of a doorknob- or if Juan will love you forever. No horoscope will tell you "How about you get off your butt and start living, rather than letting the placement of stars, moons, and planets run your life"? It should perhaps warn you: "Horoscope writer has woken up within the last hour and has not had caffeine yet".

*Warning! These are for entertainment purposes only. I am not responsible for bizarre skin reactions, strange emissions, or other unforeseen side effects. I am two sips into a coffee. Let us begin!

Sagittarius: Try living for today, without the advice of someone at a laptop, typing out general advice that may or may not come true.

Capricorn: My sources say *Not now, you guys! Keep the noise in that UFO down!* : It's not what happens, it's how you react. But that's for you to find out, not a caffeine- dependent lady somewhere on the Eastern seaboard to tell you.

Aquarius: I could crack wise on water-bearers. But along with gifts, you need to try to search for balance, or this weather could drive you insane

Pisces: Ok, gentle souls: get off your ass. Live. Neptune may be currently having an orgy with Jupiter, or you could simply be stuck reading vague advice meant to apply to the lowest common denominator.  Go do something. I'll wait.

Aries: Try to keep your temper cooled. Locking horns with others helps no one.

Taurus: Sometimes, being bull headed hurts or can even kill.

Gemini: Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Cancer: The tendency to act crabby may get to you. Go for a walk. And don't let arbitrary advice from a snot tell you what you should do. Mars in retrograde should not effect your life.

Leo: Sometimes, we need to let our hair down and roar as mightily as possible. There's no shame. What IS shameful is living your life because you're afraid of making decisions without cosmic babysitters.

Virgo: sometimes, a little childlike joy or innocence is a good thing. Don't get all strung up on being an adult that you lose your joy.

Libra: Balance is needed. Too much noise, or too much quiet is not a good thing. You need both.

Scorpio: Poisoning others with a bad mood is wrong. It's ok to be sad or angry... it's natural. But hurting others with said attitudes is not.

*All advice can apply equally to everyone. My tongue is firmly in cheek.

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