When Marie Antoinette was led to the guillotine to die, she accidentally stepped on her executioner's foot. She actually offered up an automatic apology, "Monsieur, I am very sorry, I did not mean to".
I actually fell prey to my more melancholic side this week. I apologized to almost everyone and everything. Minus me. I always thought I was supposed to be bright and cheery... and you know, I'm expected to be a *gulp* "Good girl".
Really!
A list of things I have apologized to in my life
Every single friend I've had, at least once. They generally say, "What?"
The couch. About 900 times, in almost 28 years, last counted.
Doors. No really. I actually HAVE walked into doors.
People I accidentally ran into with my tendency to walk with a longer stride than normal... at one point, I had a five foot speed demon to keep up with, and moved accordingly!
The refrigerator. I actually recently had to laugh at myself for this. It's really silly and I think Whirlie feels no pain.
Anyone caught in cross fire, when "country business" mixed with general winter moody blues.
My family. Generally, "Sorry I screwed up." Because as of yet, there are still hints that I apparently achieved the unforgivable with some people. It's been worse since I went on a restrictive diet, apparently just being a baby looking for weight loss. And stupid me, I actually apologized that I needed to.
-Bemused strangers.
-Dogs
-People in restaurants when I have had issues.
-My brother once, who informed me that being a sick preemie was not what this family needed and I screwed it all up. Turns out he got drunk and unloaded on me. Still, I ended up apologizing because he made me mad! And I called him a selfish shit, that used his golden-boy status to do what he wanted, while I did all the work and he got to be the Sunshine Child.
-People who had hurt me, because I thought at times that I was wrong to be hurt by them, after all, I'd sure screwed up good so many times!
But, this New Year, I'm giving myself a gift, after all, I have a birthday in 2 months, why wait? Dear Me, I forgive you. Pull your head out of your ass and look around you. You can't do it all. You need to rest sometimes. No, you're not perfect. No one is. Family is family, but remember kid, stick close to those who support you, you deserve more. I love you. Now go put on your big girl panties, and keep your country matters from turning you into a snot.
Love, Me!
I blog gluten-free
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Where the Peppermint Wind Blows, Part One Billionth
One can have one problem pop up at a time. One can, as I tend to do... I think someone up there is trying to make me stronger the hard way!... have about 15 pop up!
If a famine, flood, or pestilence happens, it is neutral. It happens. If a government chooses to hurt rather than help, does not feed the hungry and makes it difficult for the hungered and hurt to find help, then it is evil. This does not just "happen" it is a choice to hurt, not help. At least, this is how I look at it.
I realized the other day, I really need to sort my problems out, one by one. Mourning? This is kind of an unavoidable reality. I know I've come to terms with a lot, including miscarriages, since at least '03! Can we mourn the still-living-in-body-and-dead-in-spirit? If so, that's my 5th right now. I have family issues...they have problems of their own with just one death and the apparent new-found greed of some people! (I got mad and shouted, "I don't know what the hell this is... Grandma hated rancor, loved family, accepted all. With her gone, you realize, at least one person has had things she was promised, or should have at least had a fair share in, ripped out from under her!") I've felt like I've hurt them all, I cannot be cold and calculating, I cannot just brush things off. I feel everything. I am not able to keep my mouth shut and be strong. Perhaps part of a deeper issue... I'm also having urges to fight for the underdog. Even though I'm an underdog 9/10 of the time, for assorted reasons.
Not the only people I've hurt!
I let a lot of my issues, all the things that have happened, an abusive teacher, a lecture in my subhumanity and not being uppity to my non-disabled betters get to me. And color things for me, in a way that I should not have done. I became a bit distant. Three friends- close- asked for hugs. I kind of attempted the half- hearted "Oh come on, we feel it but don't show it in this family!" joke. Sort of true--- but I've never been able to not show what I feel. But somehow, I didn't feel like I should just grab on tight. Something held me back. I heard every nasty lecture on me come back to me. I remembered someone, who, is in a position where they're not supposed to do this, who shoved me years ago on a flight of stairs...leading to a bad fall had someone else not grabbed for an arm. Part of me said, "You're in for pain, you know." I think part of it is just having a lot of things crop at once, and end up entwining, mixing with the older stuff I have had yet to deal with. The stupid thing... the person who had saved me from a fall was someone I momentarily had an issue touching! This didn't last long, they are one of the few who can just grab and hold without me putting up a fight.
I thought I had to apologize to Mom for my continued anxiety attacks. I realized, when I really calmed myself down, that apologizing for a reflex that comes out of the body fending off attacks and becoming a bit too good at it, is a little silly. I realized that at times, there are things that I do by my power, my thought, my deed. There are things that happen. Anxiety attacks happen a lot when I'm sick and am trying to fight it with stubborness. That I really should quit apologizing for things that I have not done wrong, that my body needs help... and I am getting it for myself. But I'm having to fight a lot.
I do need to- as a general rule, not apologize for things I have NOT done. I've even apologized to my fridge because I bumped into it. Recently, I had to get a grip on myself- When I said "Excuse me", I burst out laughing first, then into tears! How silly!
I really have not been myself... and I don't like it. I don't like my rotten little attitude. It irritates me, because I am not generally, a gloomy person, even in spite of it all. And part of me, I think, still has that 6 months per stage rule, and I keep wondering if maybe the idiot who told me that was right, in the back of my mind. Which is really very stupid, but regardless, I've also let self-doubt creep in. And I second-guess myself.
I always talk up a good game, of preferring to be honest... and yet, I hide a lot. I always think I've said too much, that I never could get it straight... (I've got to quit allowing the nastiness people use on me creep in... I AM responsible for me, they are not)- I was told to keep my mouth shut last time I got smacked around by a former family member, shortly before I moved, because I am too stupid, never get the story right, and always cause issues--- I need to stop listening to that. Yes, my brain IS all over the place, and I am not sure how I feel, but I know... if I don't I am just allowing myself to lie by omission.
I'm on my way, I think. I made some major progresses here. I have a really long way to go. But I suppose... I'll figure out where the Peppermint Wind blows... my way of saying "Yes, I've found my place, I am comfortable". And I am too stubborn a snot to give up!
If a famine, flood, or pestilence happens, it is neutral. It happens. If a government chooses to hurt rather than help, does not feed the hungry and makes it difficult for the hungered and hurt to find help, then it is evil. This does not just "happen" it is a choice to hurt, not help. At least, this is how I look at it.
I realized the other day, I really need to sort my problems out, one by one. Mourning? This is kind of an unavoidable reality. I know I've come to terms with a lot, including miscarriages, since at least '03! Can we mourn the still-living-in-body-and-dead-in-spirit? If so, that's my 5th right now. I have family issues...they have problems of their own with just one death and the apparent new-found greed of some people! (I got mad and shouted, "I don't know what the hell this is... Grandma hated rancor, loved family, accepted all. With her gone, you realize, at least one person has had things she was promised, or should have at least had a fair share in, ripped out from under her!") I've felt like I've hurt them all, I cannot be cold and calculating, I cannot just brush things off. I feel everything. I am not able to keep my mouth shut and be strong. Perhaps part of a deeper issue... I'm also having urges to fight for the underdog. Even though I'm an underdog 9/10 of the time, for assorted reasons.
Not the only people I've hurt!
I let a lot of my issues, all the things that have happened, an abusive teacher, a lecture in my subhumanity and not being uppity to my non-disabled betters get to me. And color things for me, in a way that I should not have done. I became a bit distant. Three friends- close- asked for hugs. I kind of attempted the half- hearted "Oh come on, we feel it but don't show it in this family!" joke. Sort of true--- but I've never been able to not show what I feel. But somehow, I didn't feel like I should just grab on tight. Something held me back. I heard every nasty lecture on me come back to me. I remembered someone, who, is in a position where they're not supposed to do this, who shoved me years ago on a flight of stairs...leading to a bad fall had someone else not grabbed for an arm. Part of me said, "You're in for pain, you know." I think part of it is just having a lot of things crop at once, and end up entwining, mixing with the older stuff I have had yet to deal with. The stupid thing... the person who had saved me from a fall was someone I momentarily had an issue touching! This didn't last long, they are one of the few who can just grab and hold without me putting up a fight.
I thought I had to apologize to Mom for my continued anxiety attacks. I realized, when I really calmed myself down, that apologizing for a reflex that comes out of the body fending off attacks and becoming a bit too good at it, is a little silly. I realized that at times, there are things that I do by my power, my thought, my deed. There are things that happen. Anxiety attacks happen a lot when I'm sick and am trying to fight it with stubborness. That I really should quit apologizing for things that I have not done wrong, that my body needs help... and I am getting it for myself. But I'm having to fight a lot.
I do need to- as a general rule, not apologize for things I have NOT done. I've even apologized to my fridge because I bumped into it. Recently, I had to get a grip on myself- When I said "Excuse me", I burst out laughing first, then into tears! How silly!
I really have not been myself... and I don't like it. I don't like my rotten little attitude. It irritates me, because I am not generally, a gloomy person, even in spite of it all. And part of me, I think, still has that 6 months per stage rule, and I keep wondering if maybe the idiot who told me that was right, in the back of my mind. Which is really very stupid, but regardless, I've also let self-doubt creep in. And I second-guess myself.
I always talk up a good game, of preferring to be honest... and yet, I hide a lot. I always think I've said too much, that I never could get it straight... (I've got to quit allowing the nastiness people use on me creep in... I AM responsible for me, they are not)- I was told to keep my mouth shut last time I got smacked around by a former family member, shortly before I moved, because I am too stupid, never get the story right, and always cause issues--- I need to stop listening to that. Yes, my brain IS all over the place, and I am not sure how I feel, but I know... if I don't I am just allowing myself to lie by omission.
I'm on my way, I think. I made some major progresses here. I have a really long way to go. But I suppose... I'll figure out where the Peppermint Wind blows... my way of saying "Yes, I've found my place, I am comfortable". And I am too stubborn a snot to give up!
I Felt Like A Woman Once. I Was Drunk & In Love (Being Silly)
Dearest Readers, I'd like to thank you for hanging in there!
I have behaved like a little snot lately. I also forgot how to lead into my blogs... yeesh! This is not good, most of my best English is written instead of spoken, otherwise, I'm afraid that I feel like I'm speaking an artificial language, and it shows!
-I do not do drama. If something is going on in my life, I choose to try to state it, in the least offensive way, and in the fewest words possible.
-This Christmas season, I managed to give myself hell, when I came across unsupportive people that ruined whatever joy I did have. But I tried.
-I have been mourning 4 deaths this year, and some rather nasty events that happened around the time of one death, that unfortunately linked them in my mind. I have also been mourning Aunt Marcia, Mom's best friend, who was stolen away by muscular dystrophy in November '09. It takes me a while to mourn, I am in the angry stage for many. The time of "WHY?!"
-I am best at helping others with issues- from listening when my family rants and fights and uses me as a quiet compass, and internalizing. I internalize a lot.
-I over think. This is very bad for me, and keeps me up.
-I made a lot of big resolutions this year... Lordy me... To work on myself, to not succumb to temptation, knowing that often it leads to a dangerous cycle with me. To not let others hurt me, to learn to say "when" and "no!" To check facts and figures, rather than find out, when I read the material, that the person who attempted to give it to me verbally screwed me up and that thus, I have done so to others.
- I made a rather silly and impossible one, too... to not say anything unintentionally dirty, as I am wont to do.
-In response to this, after reading something on cravings, particularly food, where people kept using a phrase I hate- "I feel like a pizza, I feel like a cookie" rather than, I want blah-blah-blah, I made this snappy comment on it all: "You know, I've never felt like a cheeseburger. I felt like a woman once, but I was drunk and in love. But, I've never felt like I was a flame-broiled hamburger patty, topped with gooey cheese, pickles, ketchup, and stuffed between two buns. Actually, I have been stuffed between two buns, but I was in college and needed the money."
Read that as you wish.
-Well, here's to counting my blessings, being myself, snottiness, issues, from how I feel about my brain power and talents, to loving my family, all of them- to loving my friends- yup, all of them!- to finally learning, once and for all, that if help is offered, I need to learn to not let pride get in the way of shedding tears if needed, or talking it all out. I realize, if people care, they generally mean it. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming!
I have behaved like a little snot lately. I also forgot how to lead into my blogs... yeesh! This is not good, most of my best English is written instead of spoken, otherwise, I'm afraid that I feel like I'm speaking an artificial language, and it shows!
-I do not do drama. If something is going on in my life, I choose to try to state it, in the least offensive way, and in the fewest words possible.
-This Christmas season, I managed to give myself hell, when I came across unsupportive people that ruined whatever joy I did have. But I tried.
-I have been mourning 4 deaths this year, and some rather nasty events that happened around the time of one death, that unfortunately linked them in my mind. I have also been mourning Aunt Marcia, Mom's best friend, who was stolen away by muscular dystrophy in November '09. It takes me a while to mourn, I am in the angry stage for many. The time of "WHY?!"
-I am best at helping others with issues- from listening when my family rants and fights and uses me as a quiet compass, and internalizing. I internalize a lot.
-I over think. This is very bad for me, and keeps me up.
-I made a lot of big resolutions this year... Lordy me... To work on myself, to not succumb to temptation, knowing that often it leads to a dangerous cycle with me. To not let others hurt me, to learn to say "when" and "no!" To check facts and figures, rather than find out, when I read the material, that the person who attempted to give it to me verbally screwed me up and that thus, I have done so to others.
- I made a rather silly and impossible one, too... to not say anything unintentionally dirty, as I am wont to do.
-In response to this, after reading something on cravings, particularly food, where people kept using a phrase I hate- "I feel like a pizza, I feel like a cookie" rather than, I want blah-blah-blah, I made this snappy comment on it all: "You know, I've never felt like a cheeseburger. I felt like a woman once, but I was drunk and in love. But, I've never felt like I was a flame-broiled hamburger patty, topped with gooey cheese, pickles, ketchup, and stuffed between two buns. Actually, I have been stuffed between two buns, but I was in college and needed the money."
Read that as you wish.
-Well, here's to counting my blessings, being myself, snottiness, issues, from how I feel about my brain power and talents, to loving my family, all of them- to loving my friends- yup, all of them!- to finally learning, once and for all, that if help is offered, I need to learn to not let pride get in the way of shedding tears if needed, or talking it all out. I realize, if people care, they generally mean it. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming!
"Hours To Go 'Til I Sleep"
In August, I made a big promise: to quit being so sensitive and honest, my family doesn't appreciate it, and I hate myself when I let things bug me that wouldn't bug anyone else.
I'm going to give up the damn stuffed skunk. 27 years is enough time with a stuffed animal, and it's falling apart.
I'm going to be more aggressive, less nice, I think...it just gets me hurt. I'm going to pull my head out of my ass and quit yelling at me for letting assholes into my life. I made choices, it's not like I was entirely innocent and went without warning. I'm irritated with me... while I did not succumb to an urge to pull out my own hair or go at myself, I did eat something that I knew I shouldn't. I realized I haven't been as careful with my facts and figures as I thought, having taught myself math to pass a GED and get rid of the useless IEP diploma. I chose to wallow in my pain rather than honestly say "I'm not comfortable with YOU and your plans for me." I chose to bitch out of anger and pain. I wallowed this week. I'm such a fucking shit!
I'm going to give up the damn stuffed skunk. 27 years is enough time with a stuffed animal, and it's falling apart.
I'm going to be more aggressive, less nice, I think...it just gets me hurt. I'm going to pull my head out of my ass and quit yelling at me for letting assholes into my life. I made choices, it's not like I was entirely innocent and went without warning. I'm irritated with me... while I did not succumb to an urge to pull out my own hair or go at myself, I did eat something that I knew I shouldn't. I realized I haven't been as careful with my facts and figures as I thought, having taught myself math to pass a GED and get rid of the useless IEP diploma. I chose to wallow in my pain rather than honestly say "I'm not comfortable with YOU and your plans for me." I chose to bitch out of anger and pain. I wallowed this week. I'm such a fucking shit!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Catching A Liar- Maybe Not as Easy as A-B-C 1-2-3
I was married to a terrible, constant liar with a love for sex where he could find it, whether it be single 40 year old divorcee or wife curled up in bed sick. He also had a penchant for stealing. He went by on charm... Look I came from an abusive family, but I'm a nice guy... at first, it even worked on stone-hearted, anti-romantic me, who thought, "Aww, an ugly puppy! I've got to help him!" (Stupid, stupid, stupid!) Yeah, I have a habit of occasionally adopting ugly "puppies"... my neighbor's trained pitbull when I lived in a very ethnic area showed a different side than "Me pitbull, Me killer" with me. Then again, there's mutts and then there's mutts of the human sort.
Major ways of telling liars and calling them out when they fucked with me, thinking "She's sweet and gentle, can't tell a lie to save her life, must mean that she can't tell when I'm lying" developed throughout my marriage. Sure, I'm no lie detector. I honestly (Someone who says "Honestly" can actually be a liar. I need to watch that, and you need to watch for context there) want to believe people. I want to believe there's good in everyone, that while we will never supercede our humanity, we can still be good, honest people, and better as we grow. And I get my heart broken when people choose instead, to be dishonest and hurt others. Time and time again.
Major ways of telling liars and calling them out when they fucked with me, thinking "She's sweet and gentle, can't tell a lie to save her life, must mean that she can't tell when I'm lying" developed throughout my marriage. Sure, I'm no lie detector. I honestly (Someone who says "Honestly" can actually be a liar. I need to watch that, and you need to watch for context there) want to believe people. I want to believe there's good in everyone, that while we will never supercede our humanity, we can still be good, honest people, and better as we grow. And I get my heart broken when people choose instead, to be dishonest and hurt others. Time and time again.
Now look,
I know there's sarcasm... I use it myself. I call myself an old hag out of pure sarcastic intent. This is saying something false or the exact opposite of intention, whether to blow off steam, break the ice, or just be silly.
I know there's sarcasm... I use it myself. I call myself an old hag out of pure sarcastic intent. This is saying something false or the exact opposite of intention, whether to blow off steam, break the ice, or just be silly.
There's lying to protect yourself or another. I've done that...a sort of Jean Valjean reflex. "I sneezed and my eye just blew up?" Yeah, great lie, Beth. But, I thought Mom, and my baby needed protecting, and wouldn't be if I said what had really happened. None of that makes it right.
Then there was "No, I don't know what you're talking about. I have nothing wrong with me"... to someone who was demeaning people of disabilities when I was having a bad day and unable to actually cover some of my issues.
(Oh, yeah, there's that. The biggest lie I tell. I sometimes attempt to disguise issues... however, watching me sit on any given day or strain to hear, will sometimes give me away.)
(Oh, yeah, there's that. The biggest lie I tell. I sometimes attempt to disguise issues... however, watching me sit on any given day or strain to hear, will sometimes give me away.)
Some basic traits I've found in the unapologetic liar are:
1)Think some people are "TOO" honest- How do you quantify that?
2)Will respond, if they feel threatened by a pretense shattering, with behavior that doesn't fit. "I told you to shut your mouth! Don't make me look stupid again" in the middle of a fancy dinner when you answer a question that shows them as being dishonest.
1)Think some people are "TOO" honest- How do you quantify that?
2)Will respond, if they feel threatened by a pretense shattering, with behavior that doesn't fit. "I told you to shut your mouth! Don't make me look stupid again" in the middle of a fancy dinner when you answer a question that shows them as being dishonest.
3)Tending towards behaviors, including sexual, that become their whole lives, and getting mad when people disagree.
4) The sudden voice change. I've seen deep voiced men who, when confronted or in the middle of a lie, suddenly become sopranos. And this is without a boot to the crotch.
5)Asking questions in response to questions.
6)Staring you down- it says "Call me a liar, I dare you!"- although I have had to do the opposite and force a liar to look at me. Don't try that with someone willing to protect lies with force.
6)Staring you down- it says "Call me a liar, I dare you!"- although I have had to do the opposite and force a liar to look at me. Don't try that with someone willing to protect lies with force.
7) Victim blaming. "You make me..." "Well, you cheated on me." (Sometimes cheating can be brought in to shame by using the classic "Well, you can't rape or shame a whore." routine) My favorite was : "You make me hit you". This isn't the 3rd grade game of "Look something on your shirt--thwack!" If you hit, you, your brain and muscles go together to flex and move the arm.
This isn't all to do with what I've experienced. Some of it merely by seeing.
This isn't all to do with what I've experienced. Some of it merely by seeing.
8) Everyone but me is stupid. Self - explanatory to a point. Apparently by getting mad, we are hopelessly old fashioned, entrenched in rusty old morals and books.
9) the Poor Me attitude. "My parents never loved me, so therefore I get a free pass"--- BUZZER! I've had a tough life, I don't think that gives me a pass to hurt as I've been hurt. Indeed, I think it means that I get off my ass and do something about it. And help others.
10) Shaming. By making a victim look publically stupid "You should hear Beth when she stutters, so funny!" or "Beth said (Insert embarrassing mistake here)"... or as in the case with one friend and her boyfriend "Oh, you're cute. You don't know history, Maggie? Guess you slept through that class." I've seen myself and others bow the head and whimper "sorry" for this. I've also been pissed that that happened and made a vow.
9) the Poor Me attitude. "My parents never loved me, so therefore I get a free pass"--- BUZZER! I've had a tough life, I don't think that gives me a pass to hurt as I've been hurt. Indeed, I think it means that I get off my ass and do something about it. And help others.
10) Shaming. By making a victim look publically stupid "You should hear Beth when she stutters, so funny!" or "Beth said (Insert embarrassing mistake here)"... or as in the case with one friend and her boyfriend "Oh, you're cute. You don't know history, Maggie? Guess you slept through that class." I've seen myself and others bow the head and whimper "sorry" for this. I've also been pissed that that happened and made a vow.
Look, we aren't perfect. Hell, I screw up all the time. But... lying for the sake of lying, is wrong. If you do, and you will, it is what we do, acknowledge, say your apologies and actually act towards changing yourself. You, and only you, are responsible for your actions, you and only you are responsible for your words, deeds and thoughts.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Counting Blessings After the Chaos/ Happy 2011
2010 was crazy. We saw Grandma go down hill quickly, after a short remission from lymphatic cancer. Her occasional confusion became full blown Alzheimers.
In August, she went in her sleep. Now for the will to get done so people stop attacking each other, it drives me nuts!
This and other issues have been on my mind of late... I think this will be the year of relearning trust and bringing my self made family closer.
We've had joys too... Many!
Connor got into a better school... he's been there a week and is a little scared, but has made 4 new friends already! With his silly, sparkly personality, he's sure to make more!
Me, I've been fighting with my legs. The pain, and not wanting to be arm candy, especially for a guy who I thought of as a friend, treats me like a child "Hey, kid"?- and thinks it's funny that I have small hands and my head can be used as a rest for his arm- kept me from going to a party as live doll. In a way I'm grateful. Talked to another sister of mine, they're doing ok, just pining for Florida, boyfriend has to have surgery on coccyx, etc. But they enjoy their new dog from a shelter, so I'm thrilled for them. Little victories. Little Victories was the theme of 2010.
New place, out of Chautauqua County, and closer to things. Episcopal Mass was marvelous and I felt blessed that they worked with the Celiac community and that it is not religion, but faith that was tantamount. Marvelous people... new friends, old friends... I'm so happy we can all get comfortable and blend. I'm still healthier than I've ever been... it's true! So, 2011 is coming. We had the Chaotic Trifecta, '08-'10. Let's see what '11 offers!
Oh, and I got a pet. A bunny unofficially called Simon who walks with me, sits on me when I'm outside, and follows me to McDonalds in hopes that he can find french fries. He's a nice, quiet friendly bugger, and I like walking with him here and there. As odd as a girl and bunny might look walking!
In August, she went in her sleep. Now for the will to get done so people stop attacking each other, it drives me nuts!
This and other issues have been on my mind of late... I think this will be the year of relearning trust and bringing my self made family closer.
We've had joys too... Many!
Connor got into a better school... he's been there a week and is a little scared, but has made 4 new friends already! With his silly, sparkly personality, he's sure to make more!
Me, I've been fighting with my legs. The pain, and not wanting to be arm candy, especially for a guy who I thought of as a friend, treats me like a child "Hey, kid"?- and thinks it's funny that I have small hands and my head can be used as a rest for his arm- kept me from going to a party as live doll. In a way I'm grateful. Talked to another sister of mine, they're doing ok, just pining for Florida, boyfriend has to have surgery on coccyx, etc. But they enjoy their new dog from a shelter, so I'm thrilled for them. Little victories. Little Victories was the theme of 2010.
New place, out of Chautauqua County, and closer to things. Episcopal Mass was marvelous and I felt blessed that they worked with the Celiac community and that it is not religion, but faith that was tantamount. Marvelous people... new friends, old friends... I'm so happy we can all get comfortable and blend. I'm still healthier than I've ever been... it's true! So, 2011 is coming. We had the Chaotic Trifecta, '08-'10. Let's see what '11 offers!
2010 Closes With the Day Of the Boobs
I'm OK... I can still type, if not speak entirely coherently. I am currently praying my Excedrine holds out... and that I don't sleep through my wash load!
I was grateful for a chicken soup delivery, gluten free, with a few jalopeno bits... (No, not HOT... but it definitely kicks butt). The same person kind of wanted a pretty little sexy doll as arm candy at a Recovery Mixer. As alcohol is not an issue for me, and because I feel pain, I attempted to make it clear... it's old TV night again. And I want to drink a bit. I'm walking a bit drunk now, and feel showing up @ AA in that state, them not knowing my issues, would be a bad idea! Plus, while I want to help the Haps out as much as possible, sorry, dude, yet again you fall into "Nice Guy, BUT" territory. "BUT" being, I see you as a friend, you treat me like you would a sister (Call me "kid", one more time, I dare ya!) and you DATED MY SISTER 10 YEARS AGO! Awkward, much? When I told her about perhaps modelling for Hapsburg T-shirts, she asked dryly, "Wet or dry?"
All's not bad. Went to Victoria's Secret at last, and got a true fitting. I didn't know I was a size small! And discovered I've done a lot of shrinking in many departments. (I kind of figured that.)
So, small steps! I have properly fitted foundations now :) It's a start.
I got mad enough to do a lot of things in frustration. Because it's been brewing. I already lost to food this week. And I had an anniversary of a bad event 7 months ago on Christmas...so I'm really not myself.
I was grateful for a chicken soup delivery, gluten free, with a few jalopeno bits... (No, not HOT... but it definitely kicks butt). The same person kind of wanted a pretty little sexy doll as arm candy at a Recovery Mixer. As alcohol is not an issue for me, and because I feel pain, I attempted to make it clear... it's old TV night again. And I want to drink a bit. I'm walking a bit drunk now, and feel showing up @ AA in that state, them not knowing my issues, would be a bad idea! Plus, while I want to help the Haps out as much as possible, sorry, dude, yet again you fall into "Nice Guy, BUT" territory. "BUT" being, I see you as a friend, you treat me like you would a sister (Call me "kid", one more time, I dare ya!) and you DATED MY SISTER 10 YEARS AGO! Awkward, much? When I told her about perhaps modelling for Hapsburg T-shirts, she asked dryly, "Wet or dry?"
All's not bad. Went to Victoria's Secret at last, and got a true fitting. I didn't know I was a size small! And discovered I've done a lot of shrinking in many departments. (I kind of figured that.)
So, small steps! I have properly fitted foundations now :) It's a start.
I got mad enough to do a lot of things in frustration. Because it's been brewing. I already lost to food this week. And I had an anniversary of a bad event 7 months ago on Christmas...so I'm really not myself.
I can has rant? I should be delighted... honored that I've been invited to the big Addiction Recovery Mixer. But... a friend, or I thought, wants a girl on his arm... I'd be thrilled with skirts, and heels, if I didn't have scoliosis or nerve pain and a tendency to waver right now, like I'm uh... drunk. I hurt, the nice weather is causing pressure on me, fuck it, I'm not arm candy, this guy is a friend, yes, but someone I thought of as merely that, or a business thing, what with helping out the T-Shirt company. I don't feel pretty, because I feel I have to dress big to cover my skeletal defects and the way my back curves. And I wanna sit on my ass, drink, and watch Lucy. Happy New Year to me.
I was tired and out of it too... and hurting... I don't like "damp"... he said the old "Once an addict always an addict", I'm afraid I tossed "Once a drunk always a drunk" at him. I also called him a boob. I think he took it well, he thanked me.
You boob, it wasn't a compliment... I WAS MAD!
I was tired and out of it too... and hurting... I don't like "damp"... he said the old "Once an addict always an addict", I'm afraid I tossed "Once a drunk always a drunk" at him. I also called him a boob. I think he took it well, he thanked me.
You boob, it wasn't a compliment... I WAS MAD!
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