It's My New Pink Button!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! What the fuck?! I could- if I didn't know that someone would scream as loud as I just did- probably do an entire talk show on this.
Trends In Vaginas.Or, er, INVOLVING them.

Are you dissatisfied with the pinkness of your sweet lil' lady- flower? Got that "not-so-fresh" feelin'? Well cry no more, pretty lady! Grab that douche bag- NO- not him!-yes, that. Ok, now, you're getting ready to go, right, Sally? (Dumb girl with vacant look nods head excitedly. A cow bell rings with each movement). Well, Sally, now that you smell like a field of flowers again, why not actually put back the pink?"
"Oh, but how?!"
Blandly happy baritone announcer: "Get My New Pink Button", and easily put the pink back! Choose from such shades as "Pristine Pearl" (for the virgin in your life) "Raging Rouge" (for the harlot) or "Vampy Vermillion"- (feel free to send me your names. I will be mocking this.)
And if you have toofers in your vagina, just know, getting ANY lipstick on your teeth is SUCH a fashion no-no!
Edit: A new shade name is "At First Blush". :)

Coded Tirades

It's been a few months since I began building here. I will be making, as well as I can, my apologies for where I've screwed up, and my hopes for the future.
I am alive, finer than I've felt in a long time.
I am fortunate- I know that struggles will happen. And I am tough. There are those who live their lives, coding their tirades. I can't do that... if I am hurting, I find a way to let you know!
There has been, to be blunt, far too much chaos.
I do not look-hope for drama or pain-it seems to find me well. But I feel it--- and part of me wants to run to people--- I cannot save them all. It's heartbreaking.
I don't know how to say everything, just yet, and attempting just fills up with a lot of minutia.
I will never again abet the inept.
There are 50 decisions going on, I will let you know where that goes.

A Long, Strange Trip

Dating me is probably a real trip. Let's face it... I'm stubborn. And it takes me quite a while to work up to touching you- I still have a few minute issues when dealing with men. But now, I can stand closer than 10 feet from a man.
*I don't-and won't settle. If something is "off" I no longer ignore it. I will only be with you, because I like you. And because I'm willing to work to be comfortable with you. I might push...you might have to pull back. I'm not simple to work with. Nor am I a "fixer-upper". I am me, stubborn, sarcastic, silly and occasionally accidentally self effacing.
*I have a few major deal breakers. Keep reading.
*I will not tell polite lies.
*If I like you, I like you. Period. This doesn't mean you can act like a horse's ass without me saying "Hey! Fucker! Knock it off!"
*I am appreciative of any tiny kindness, which, is HUGE for me. Every day, 100 things make me question my faith in humanity. And every day, a million small ones tell me I do know good people. I'm not naive. But I don't know how people *usually* handle things.
Now onto dealbreakers:
"Let me fix you"--- Oh, no fucker. Like me for me.
"I have had a tough life, I can do what I want"--- Oh, my darling-dear. I can quote you chapter and verse. And I'm not sorry to say: No, you can use that to help others, to learn lessons. You have to make choices. It doesn't matter if Mama never loved you. YOU are responsible, as an adult for YOUR words, YOUR decisions. YOU are responsible, NOT Mama. And if you are in your late 20's to mid 40's, and Mama still runs you, well, that's a deal-breaker too.
"Your friends are bad influences"- OUT!
Babying me... I like taking care of, and being taken care of (Yes, I do believe that one repays the smallest kindnesses, with MORE kindness. Be sure to let someone know when they've helped you.)- look, this is tough ground. I am not an infant. I don't want to be treated as though I have no brain in my head. Holding me? Helping when I'm sick (Angels fear to tread, when I am the patient.) An affectionate nickname? I give those out to those I feel affection towards. But there are names like snookums or pumpkin that kind of trigger a gag reflex. By the way, yes, in some ways, I AM naive. I blush, or screw up dirtier terms most knew by now. My sex education is stilted. My math skills are very basic- you see, I taught myself. And math is not one of my "good" subjects. But I have measured over a 150 IQ. And I fight to stay sharp. I am naive, not stupid. Don't treat or make me feel as such.
*I do make mistakes in English. You see, though, this is not easy for me. I did not speak until I was nearly 5. I have a hard time translating what I think into English and mystify people. But I am making an effort--- with face, voice, hands, and body, to make myself clear to you. I do not ask for much more than an attempt to meet me half way there.
*Not understanding that I do not hear high pitched noises, and therefore, cannot tell when the smoke detector needs a battery (Indeed, one carbon monoxide detector I had once had gone off for days before someone with sharper ears visited and realized I was sick AND heard the beep beep beep.)I also do not hear from behind. Grab my arm, gently turn me... do not think you're being ignored if you're getting nothing talking to the back of my head. I will be annoyed by breath down my back, but other than that. If you insist on speaking to my pony tail, I'll assume you're a weirdo.
*I goof off. I do flirt sometimes. I'm single, you see.. but I will not tease. If I am not interested, then you have a friend. Or else, some person who is a friendly stranger.
*I may have a hard time at first, getting close- but trust me, I will attempt to subtly let you know if I like you.
*Don't assume. Talk TO me.
*Know that there are things that only a privileged few will EVER know.
*I am blunt. If you don't like it, honey, there's the door.
*I am ferociously protective of those I care about.
*I have health issues. Sometimes, those will take over, and I have to rest. And this is difficult.
*I do not rest easily.
My biggest deal breaker is: If you need to gain control by force, and you ever act violently towards me, I will call the cops first, ask questions later.
*Lying to me? Yup, there's the door.
*Embarrassing me to make you feel/ look good. Out, damned spot!
There are things I will only say one on one, if I know you. And I have to trust you.

The 8 Year Pause

So today I got a blast from the past, a friend I thought had died in Iraq. The first conversation we had in 8 years literally began with a mutual "OH, MY GOD! You disappeared! I thought you were dead!" After that awkwardness, we just fell into our old goof off & discuss politics etc pattern naturally. He's going to be 27 and lives in Virginia, has a fiancee and is looking forward to catching up in person next time he's up...he'll need a "chai latte and the only Starbucks is near where you live now". He yelled at me a bit for my wounded animal habit...he was there for me when I dated a particularly bad guy who had deprived me of food among other things. I am so happy! I love that we can still just talk and be kids together, even now!
Sure, he's still acting like he's my big brother, and sure, it's been 8 years, but we talk like there was never a pause. And that's friendship. To think it began with a chance meeting at the National Youth Leadership Forum in Washington, DC in 2001!

So Many Stupid Questions, So Little Time: Cleaning Out My Old Emails

Dating me can be difficult. I am notoriously old-fashioned. Firm handshake? Check. Practices chivalry, because he WANTS to, not because he feels he HAS to? Check. Understands that I'd rather give you the truth than a polite lie? Check. Never EVER utters: "You make me look stupid, can you play dumb? A lady doesn't make men look stupid..." ---OOPSIE! (It's amazing how often that's actually been told to me. I also find it amazing that I'm as polite in my "Go fuck yourself" as I am.)

I don't like being a rude girl, mind you. If I can find a polite way to say "Go to hell", I'll use it. But... let's face it: if A) someone else gets hurt, B) I can tell you're hurting yourself C) you'd rather sit in your own shit and wail your lil' head off than do something about it, then, well, go to hell. I don't want a Man-Baby. I love taking care of people, I suppose, I want to make sure no one EVER feels sad or neglected. But y'know, I have needs, too! I occasionally need a shoulder, if not to cry on (Yes, that is actually difficult for me. I've learned to hide it too well) then to lean on or just hold for a minute. I HAVE NEEDS! I don't BEHAVE for anyone.
I am considering a "Ask a Single Girl" type thing. You ask me questions, I will answer. I can leave anonymous if needed. Let me know. Might be more entertaining than the "douchebags who were 'set up' on a blind date and had emails or answers to me landing in a spam filter."

To My Angels

To my very special and lovely, funny Valentines
Dear Angels, Keep your chins up. Keep that marvelous humor, those senses of wonder and love for the sweet and simple. Do not let anyone say "You can't...". Remember, sweet angels, you have come into this mad world with so many disadvantages already. Childhood is so short, now. Maybe it always has been. But it seems like it gets shorter all the time, and we become wise and bitter while still wearing Pampers. We learn pain, loss, grief, to fear, to hate, to fight for all we hold dear, so early, now. We have long enough to be adults. Retain your wonder, your wide eyed wisdom, and let nothing harden your heart. Enjoy the sweet and simple, as long as you can, and let no one tell you that it's time to stop.
I adore you. Stay, just a little while, OK?
Love, Beth

Dear Gentle Giant

My father, given the nickname "Gentle Giant" (6'2" 220 pounds and shockingly as gentle as he was stubborn)- gave me advice on men up until he died in '95.
Among his rules were:
"If he can't open a door, or make sure you're comfortable before he sits down, then he's not worthy of MY baby girl!"
"A woman's hair is her crowning glory." - another reason I refuse to chop mine ever again! (And why, for a while, I winced when I'd see a pair of beautician's scissors near my head)
"Open doors for the elderly."- It's amazing to me that when I do, and it's a pretty automatic habit, people are shocked. I thought this was what everyone was taught.
"There's religion and there's faith. Keep the faith, but there is no sin in mocking religion."
"Test a man's handshake. And be firm with yours. You don't want a limp "Wet fish" handshake, and you don't want a man with one either."
I'm not sure if this was advice, or a rule, or something all fathers say, but: "When you start dating, I will be cleaning my rifle. If I don't like him, you're not dating him. And I don't know if there IS a man worthy of you." (Thanks, Dad.)
"A good man will like the fact that you have brains in your head. Don't play dumb for any man".
"Treat people with compassion, and love. Don't let people bring you down, but understand people mess up now and then. And forgive them."
"Love those who hate you, even when it's difficult."
"You have an oddball sense of humor...dry, like a good wine... don't worry, there will be someone who will actually notice the twinkle in your eye and that little smirk. Your humor is slow and subtle, but it hits with a big impact."
"It's a tough world you were born into. But while many can't understand you, you don't realize, you probably know more about them than they're comfortable with."
"Trust your gut. It's when you ignore that "something's wrong" feeling that things go wrong."
"If you are hurt by someone, and in fear, it is no sin to fight back. Save your life by any means necessary". (My ex husband was, I admit, the recipient of my foot to his crotch. He never tried the trick of attempting to sleep with me while I was out ever again. If that, rather than the shove and run worked- well, hey, it worked.)
"If anyone hurts you, honey, there will be HELL to pay."
"Remember, baby, you're tougher than you think you are."
Thanks, Gentle Giant. I don't mourn as I did..I remember the good, now, not just the memories of hospitals and machines and sitting with you while you did your work on that old IBM laptop during your dialysis. And while April will be 16 years without you, I know... you're still around, somehow. And I should really listen to you more