Tunnel Vision

If I take all of the advice handed out, I would be frankly, A)going against my own self-preservation B)be very contorted, as I would have managed to somehow do two opposite things at once.

I can't hide from anything in the past. It is what it is. (As much as that is a horrifying and meaningless statement.)
I have to move forward. Herein lies that particular bargain I made with myself. That if I need something done, then I am not going to simply wait, but get it done.

While, perhaps, I have no filter, I am capable of restraining myself to an extent. This is why I prefer to give myself some time to breathe. If I were absolutely not capable, some things I was thinking would have been said in full fury. Among other things, if you tell me I should read the Art of War and The Prince, and apply them to my life (I do hope that the person giving that advice realizes Machiavelli was being sarcastic.), I would hope that you do not do the exact opposite.
I stopped myself before "Be a man," and "Seriously, dude, I'm buying you a binkie for Christmas." But... in this new deal... where, if I know, that it isn't right, it is being worked upon and improved, that isn't sitting, but is, instead, changing for the better, or being dropped if it has to be, the advice to be tougher is good, to an extent. It's also a double-edged sword if you choose to use my "sensitivity", health, etc. as your weapons. I also choose not to become bitter or hard. I won't take the crap life has to offer and say "That is all there is." I will climb the shit mountain.

There are things I am not humanly capable of handling. There are some things that arise by virtue of humanity: anger, worry, fear, whatever. (Do I dare make a long list?)

And no, I won't hold back here: If you are a 39 year old man, you should not be hiding behind your mommy's skirts. If you cannot say "Here is my issue" to the person you have a problem with, while it is small, and actually work on it, while it is small, which I hoped to do... I am trying to kill off the small problems before they are big problems... there is a problem. Talking big and being aggressive won't do you justice when you have that problem. It's a kitten trying to roar.
I'm not necessarily infuriated with anyone--- I'm just saddened that exists! That helps no one. That's no way to live. Do you really want to spend your life as a living embodiment of Freud's specious, and really, rather silly philosophies?

One of Those Days?

Those days... the ones where you're pulled, here, there and everywhere.
Where you slump and get healing sleep, alright, but at what cost?
There is what we are made of, and there is where we come from, and all the ties and pushes, and shoves. When you've got just enough to starve on, and you're at wit's end. When you're being too hard on yourself? Oh, today--- I was at wit's end--- and found out a friend was dealing with the last two... I do the very last quite often, we talk enough that we've gotten to talking ourselves out of that. Or not. For everything to go, all at once, and everything to be a "No". I'm there, friend. The darkened house, the fighting with utilities, the many yards of red tape... I've been in those well-worn shoes. I'm glad someone is helping keep the phones charged, I'm there when needed. I'll celebrate over coffee with you when all is back... because you will get this done! It is tough, it is scary. Doors slammed in your face, "No's"... but you're halfway there, already!


With this song, I say this: just lay back for a bit.

Rag Doll Girl

*Please note: I have no ulterior motive here... and in reading this, there is nothing laid at any door.--- At this point, however, in lieu of answers in my situation, I am tired, I am running empty, and feeling it, showing it... because, if I have none, I can give none. 

I'm not a rag doll, please, quit pulling--- if I come apart at the seams, all the safety pins in the world won't hold me together, and it won't be teddy bear stuffing showing.

To toughen me up... it's a double-edged sword, isn't it? Chances are, eventually I'd break... that I'd finally say something.

I could, it's so easy...answer darkness with darkness, let my hopes, my flame go out. I have fight, I have hope yet. I don't run with guilt at my footsteps.
"Spit in one hand, hope in the other, which gets fuller first?" I have tangibility, though... I know my constants. I know getting hard, letting hope die, not fighting, even if misunderstood, even if, try if I may, I can't quite make myself understood...
I love. I am loved. I build. I have some new surprises on the way! I laugh, I find new things, daily, that remind me... "It isn't that bad--- you're ok, forgive yourself, too... it's still beautiful here, if you look..."

I had a running clipshow nightmare... yes, I remember those places... I know them by name... I am not there, I am free. No, no faces--- no voices--- but being sick somehow caused the running "Help me! Is this it? I'm trapped!" part of the clip show. Ah, Little Brain, I think sometimes I should treat you like a terror prone cat. There, there. Pat, pat.

I am alive, I am free, I am human. I can laugh, I do, I get better. One day... I'll be... hmm... I say, sometimes, as wistfully as Dorothy Gale says "There's no place like home," in The Wizard of Oz, "I want to be normal"--- no, that's not it... I want to be.. that me... the only me I'll ever be, or so it goes, (I gotta be me...) that can be silly as she pleases, can simply enjoy the loud and be alone, or with a friend in the quiet, not ashamed to need the softer silence to recharge, that forgives herself, as easy as others do, that knows, if it is stormy, the storm will pass. I cannot give anger for anger. I am trying to learn not to apologize so much. I will forgive myself for having a bad day here and again. I will fight for me. I'll put on Bob Marley for now, after the song I have on now, and, soon, yes, my boogie shoes.

The Purple Pumpkin Project, Part II

A few days ago, I posted about the Purple Pumpkin Project, a Halloween project that supports epilepsy awareness. Since I have been talking it up... and because awareness is so important, I put myself to work. Here is my teeny tiny little pumpkin, wearing its Epilepsy Awareness ribbon. = )

Again, the Facebook page for The Purple Pumpkin Project can be reached at: The Purple Pumpkin Project

Here is my tiny, misshapen, but (I think) absolutely marvelous little pumpkin, in my "garden".

If you need help, if you have questions, please contact the American Epilepsy Society
and
the Epilepsy Society of America
In the UK, please contact Epilepsy Action UK
In Canada, please contact: Epilepsy Canada

They are ready to help, and not just on holidays. As am I.

Dalek Cake!

Where there's a will, there's a way to do this minus the Twinkies... mainly because I want to play with these a bit. I also think the Christmas M&Ms and a candy scarf would lend these a seasonal touch. Since I have some Christmas episodes of Dr. Who (from the original series, Pre-1oth Doctor, as well) DVRed, it's perfect.

Update 10/17/12, 4:37 PM Gluten Free Chocolate Fiends, Rejoice! A GF Swiss Roll has been found. If your store hasn't got them (I'm going to have to do a quick check, myself.), there is a place to order them.
I'm considering going from scratch myself, but for something fast, this is just fun, and you don't have to be fancy.

Gluten Free Chocolate Swiss Rolls

Danse Macabre

Late at night, under a waxing moon, the eerie fiddler wildly saws away at his fiddle, and ghosts and skeletons merrily sway in a fantastic, macabre,  dance.

Absolutely perfect, as the wind grows chilly, and the leaves begin to change, and dance around your feet... 

the not so-calming, but oh, so appropriate, Camille Saint-Saëns's Danse Macabre! 

The Purple Pumpkin Project

The Purple Pumpkin Project: 

With Halloween so near, let’s start “The Purple Pumpkin Project” to raise Epilepsy Awareness! How will you answer “Why are your pumpkins Purple?"
Description
All I am asking is to please color one of your Halloween Pumpkins Purple! Maybe have some "Seizure smart" info on hand and share your story with anyone that will listen!
Share your Purple Pumpkin Pictures, be creative!

Epilepsy affects over 3 million Americans of all ages – more than multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, and Parkinson’s disease combined.

Almost 500 new cases of epilepsy are diagnosed every day in the United States. That means every 4 minutes someone is hearing "It's Epilepsy."

So... this Halloween, I will be working on some form of this, although we do not get trick or treaters here... perhaps purple pumpkin cupcakes or something.

One of the major sadnesses with epilepsy is that most of the treatments are medical--- that is, using medications that can be dangerous and cause many side effects. There are many issues that can come from seizures themselves, such as confusion, anxiety, fear, trouble answering questions, death... and many preventive measures are still too expensive for many patients and their families to afford. Along with that, there are still many attitudes that may keep patients from getting help, and this is why awareness is so important. So that families do not have attitudes and fears, and so that patients can get help. So far, epilepsy tends to be a diagnosis given as "You have seizures, why?" Some patients never find out why, and even doctors may not be adequately aware.

For more information, the Purple Pumpkin Project's Facebook Page is:

The Purple Pumpkin Project

 Additional links can be found at the American Epilepsy Society

and the Epilepsy Foundation of America and its regional chapters

In the UK, please contact, Epilepsy Action UK

In Canada, help can be found at Epilepsy Canada

Courtesy of eszter, Flickriver Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic License.