Friday, August 27, 2010
For Cripes' Sake
Snark. I use it a lot. To make fun of stupidity, or play with real-world concepts in a twisted way.
One day, I received a anonymous email telling me "Little Jackie has become a woman!" Then I got to thinking, "What the hell? Why do I need to know that?!" Further thought led me to A) Jackie used to be a man. Now instead of John, his preferred name is Jacqueline. More power to ya! I love my LGBT-Q friends. They're some of the lights of my life.
Or, B) Someone decided to pull a Peter Griffin and shout about their lovely daughter's first trip in Flo's Red Convertible. Danke! Now, if friends were to ask, privately, for example, on preferred feminine materials, I'd be happy to offer my likes and dislikes, and my ewws about the Feminine Cup. Yes sir, I've received emails on that, too. I do not know the safety of pretty much shoving a soft Communion-cup shaped device up there, washing and reusing. But for God's sake... I don't often care to know!
I was grossed out and threw up, when on separate occasions:
A) a breast-feeding mom I know told all of Facebook her "natural" cure for pinkeye. Yes, siree! She apparently thinks nothing of giving the little squirt, an um, little squirt, if ya know what I mean.
B)Another told how her newborn apparently overtaxed his Huggies while lying on a white blanket. Again, I didn't care to know.
I know I've CALLED for advice for odd things. One phone call, from my end went like this (Heavy sobbing) Oh, my God! It just won't stop oozing! I was startled by something that I had figured I'd never be startled by. Hint: Overtaxed Huggie-Blowout. I was talked down, and we laugh about it. But I don't need to see your ucky sheets, please!
Mamas, don't frigging use Huggies. Trust me. If the breastmilk cure works, awesome. But... oh, lordy me, don't brag about it! As a forced bottle-feeder, it's really something I could care less about. More power to you though. And if the angel needs to eat, yes, pop it out and feed her. But, please for God's sake... I don't necessarily need a photograph of your Double F's and your baby-tassle.
I'm no prude, for heavens' sake! But God, even I blush. Now, Jackie A and Jackie B:
Congratulations. God bless. A., if you want to go bra shopping, hit me up. B., same thing, and I apologize that Mama has no hint of shame. That is a private event. And you are probably terrified and a wee bit damaged. I feel for you.
Breast Milk Healer: For God's sake! You had men doing the whole "While you're at it..." bit. Breast milk is for nutrition. Keep it to yourself and the baby.
White Blanket Chronicler: What were you thinking? Babies+ white= eventual disaster zone.
Ok, off my soap box.