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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Ash Wednesday 2013

Fat Tuesday has left us, and full of pancakes from Fat-or Shrove (pancake) Tuesday celebrations, it's time for 40 days of sorting myself out (well, 40 more days of doing so... as I have been at work to get myself sorted for some time now.)

I have, for some time, done at least a decade of the Rosary a day... to get myself rested, to get "bad energy" as it were, out, and to focus on what's really important, as part of my meditation practice. I use one of three large rosaries--- we seem to collect them in our family, from my father's large wooden beads from his stint as a Franciscan- to a blessed strand (blessed by John Paul II) to the 6 inch rosary bracelet I wear on my wrist. (I have arms that would best befit a very muscular mosquito.) This is simply, 1 Our Father, 10 Hail Marys, and 1 Glory Be, (Which uses a sentence I've unconsciously been using when I list things verbally... "World without end, amen.") around the rosary, stopping to greet Our Lord and the Holy Mother.

Yes, I have heard of the Pope's resignantion, first in over 700 years. I am not laughing, although I was used to and liked John Paul II very much, and could not, even thinking "forgiveness is all", etc, manage to respect Benedict XVI. May he be blessed, is about all I can say. The jokes about the Pope giving up being the Pope for Lent, while I have an odd sense of humor, are sad to me. 

I also added in a new app, which lets me do breathing exercises, which is very helpful and gets me to slow down. This is Meditation Words on Google Play- which allows you to breathe in and out through the prayers... 1 prayer for forgiveness, a prayer for peace, and the Lord's Prayer again, as well as prayers for Tao and Buddhist philosophies. 

After the extreme bell ringing while sorting out Lightning Bug-I'd hoped that it would filter out "household noise"- toilets being flushed, heavy footsteps, the occasional too-loud conversation somewhere in the building, or water gurgling. But along with the artificial rain, one thing that is calming for many but sends me in search of a bathroom, it also used bells on a loop, and I acquired a Pavlovnian- reaction that had me sorting out if I needed to pee or begin the Liturgy of the Hours. White noise is still something I haven't gotten, but laying/ sitting still and breathing to calm are actually possible for me now. (And at once, someone has uncapped a Sharpie and is writing in a calendar blank: "February 13th, 2013: Beth learns to be still.") So-

Meditation Words: Highly recommended.
Lightning Bug: More work needed. 

In all, I've been officially at this for about 37 hours total, in varying segments of time. I am finally learning to be still, which I needed, and perhaps calm myself. 

It's been tough: Got an answer, a diagnosis, but also found that the anti-convulsants had not been working, and had indeed been hurting me- from lack of vitamin/food absorption  to severely cutting down how much food I was capable of eating, to not helping symptoms at all, as I am actually allergic or sensitive to many, and keeping me from being able to use or eliminate other medications. But while on occasion, one type of seizures messes with speech/writing, and I get frustrated because I'm trying very hard to be understandable, I have been hard at work, researching both neurologists (It's not so much an icy, nasty demeanor. It's refusing to talk to me, rather than yell about how frustrating I am, and medicating first, letting "Inconclusive" be as opposed to checking the answers, and re-doing tests, and then asking questions.), and alternative seizure-control treatments. I am not my disease and want to simply live---cause mischief, be a brat, go out... without fear and without worrying that someone will force my hand and my freedom will be taken away. And without fear of losing control in public. I also want to, and am working on, being calm, and being understandable. One step at a time, I suppose. 

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