No Triskaidekaphobia,But I'll Take A Cup o' Kindness

2012 came in with all sorts of crazy.

I learned how to take some time- I'm still learning how to focus and clear my mind. I'm told that it's a bit loud, and that my silence is when you can hear me "tick tick tick". When it got crazy- medication interactions, realizing that I had far too much medication in my system, becoming more assertive when I knew that I was being treated badly, learning to enjoy, smile, and simply laugh.

I am not going to let anyone take my joys- they aren't theirs to take, and I am going to laugh at things I might once have been offended at.

I will ask more questions.

I will let myself be opinionated, and not worry about offense.

I will simply wonder, and simply enjoy.

My health is what it is, but I'm not letting it get to me. I have work to do, crafts to make, geeking out to do, places to go, people to see, and all sorts of wonders to behold.

This is a milestone year, coming up, one that I was told I'd never see...I will, by God... celebrate in style!

I am not making resolutions, really- except to keep fighting, keep working, keep laughing. I will get that whole "Clear-Your-Mind" thing down. I will continue working on not apologizing. So far so good and only rarely does one particular word slip out--- which is embarrassing and which I will be working on that much harder. To confidence! To kicking ass! To laughter more than tears. To learning new crafts, and improving my health. To finding a new neuro. To growth. To leaving fear far behind me. To forgiveness where I need to apply it, to asking for it when I need it. To being gutsy, to being silly. To never learning hate. To unlearning fear. Na Zadrovie!

We'll take a cup o' kindness, yet. 
I'll repeat:

We'll take a cup o' kindness, yet

...And surely, you'll buy your pint cup,
And surely, I'll buy mine!

For auld lang syne, my dear, 
For auld lang syne!
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

Technology, Modernization-Or, Why We Can't Have Nice Things

You know what the Post Office says. If it fits, it ships.

I don't want to say this. I don't LIKE saying this. I'm the grandchild, great niece, and child of postal carriers. The USPS has put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. Well, chomp, chomp, chomp!

I love handwritten letters. I love writing them, I love going to find the interesting stamps... (I had to hold back a squeal of joy at the Miles Davis/Edith Piaf stamps.) Christmas time, I send out quite a few, including some international mail. I try to make them look bright, different, and interesting for each person. You don't want everyone to get the same prosaic, "Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, How are You, I am Fine." formulaic response. But it's becoming utterly joyless. Why am I spending $20/sheet to hear how letters arrived mangled, to receive apologies that say "We care, but our fast sorting machines, well, you know how it is. Progress!" Begging your deepest pardons, but while your carriers are still humping 60lb bags on their backs and going out in all sorts of weather, you can't take personal responsibility and are letting machines do it all? THIS, THIS is progress? 18 cards to various people arriving damaged?! That's not a good average.

I'm kind of glad, that after standing in a 20-deep line to send international mail and buy stamps, while suffering a fever and kidney infection, I did not give into my feverish idea and decide to mail myself. Anyone want a 47 kilo package? May arrive slightly worse for wear. And weight may shift in transit.

It's not progress if your fast sort ends up causing damage to a person's mail. It is not fast sort when the slicing is done roughly and looks like someone is less than honest at the sorting office. "We're sorry, progress causes mishaps"- is NOT an apology! If I wanted to do everything technologically, so I could then blame technology for any mishaps, I'd simply email everything! But no, I keep buying stationary and stamps, because I'm old-fashioned. Or I'm simply the world's youngest old person. We haven't decided yet.

Vintage Estonian postcard, courtesy of Diane Kappa of Art of Collage Design

One Love

I have the combo of One Love/ People Get Ready, off of Legend, the last of Bob Marley's discography. It is purely peaceful for me, shame Youtube makes the links so stringy and messy to post sometimes.

Somedays are dark. There are so many things I do not/ cannot, understand. But I am going to give thanks and praise to the lord, anyway.

Merry-Happy-Joyous-Something.

May you have a Blessed-Whatever-You-Celebrate. While I won't be the least bit offended, even by "X-Mas"- my apologies, extremists, but it's simply Greek--- (From  ɛksməs- X-stands for Chi, the first letter of Christ in Greek) I understand the warmth that comes from being addressed with a cheerful greeting that doesn't wreak of the generic "Happy Holidays."

So, without further ado:
If you believe in no deity, whatsoever, Happy Nothing, or Happy Whatever, depending on whether your glass is half-full or half-empty.
If you're an ancient Mayan. Dude. That Apocalypse thing. Ouch. Congrats on time travel though. Happy New Age.
To everyone else: I wish you a warm, safe, and blessed Happy Christmahanukwanzasolsticekuh™ (All rights reserved :-P) a blessed Eid, a joyous Yule, God jul, Feliz Navidad. Na zadrovie!-To Your Health.
I am now breathless.

Be blessed.

Joy and Exhaustion

The kidney infection is gone-thanks to four days using a heavy antibiotic mostly used for anthrax exposure. The flank pain finally went, working on staying hydrated and replacing the nutrients lost to meds- anticovulsants knock out quite a few of your vitamins, B5, B12 (Scarlily enough, there's a shortage and they're worried I may have to go on a heavy supplement if they can't get my shots in.), and more. This is a normal battle, plus I'm in that 15% of people for whom Topomax acts as appetite suppressant. Not to be dismayed...after days on 7Up and ginger ale, and broth, my body rallied in fine form, telling me, "ENOUGH! SOLIDS, WOMAN!" as it will get sick of the same old same old and crave variety. (And I accidentally bought unsalted broth, good for kidney, not so good for tastebuds. Which I try to tempt as a way of getting more calories. It's about presentation, taste, smell, etc. As I started getting better, I started adding small amounts of car-shaped rice noodles to add visual variety- and erm...ZOOM to better health?) - Had a turkey dinner minus the gravy the other day-small but did the trick and held down nicely.

Now to work on exhaustion. I know I'm dragging butt. I know saying, "I'm good, I'm getting there," feels like a horrid, hollow lie still. I'm tired. I know I need to do a few last minute things and haven't got the blasted energy to do so.But even with melatonin, the medication changes are still screwing with me, and 3 hours is my best. Oh, no. As for DingDong Neuro: So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goooooooooodbyyyyyyyyyyyyye...  you overdosed and almost killed me, you ass! Look, I was willing somewhat, to overlook my discomfort with you-for God's sake, my pediatrician's husband was a loveable grump- but you are so not loveable except in so far as you are human. But verbal abuse, messing with meds twice now, and ignoring symptoms is wrong, I'm afraid.

See, I know I need to do this or my body will take over on its' own. Among seizure triggers is lack of sleep and stress. I have so far been unable to sleep correctly, even with melatonin, and need to heal. I'm working on focusing on the good... the hope, the peace, the joy, and this week, love, and later, CHRISTMAS! It's a tough one, I'm dragging still and everyone's been sick, but damned if I'm not going to be joyful anyway. I refuse to focus on the mundane, the hurts, the slights. It's the season of Light, and I am not messing that up for myself.

Still working on that focusing thing. Taking time out...rosary bracelet, maybe artificial stars on ceiling to focus on, zen music... 20 minutes a day, although I might up it a touch.

I've got this.

Love Among the Hate, Light Among the Darkness

It was a rough few days...

Massive build up of anti-convulsants. Succumbed to a massive kidney infection--- am fighting fever (102) and attempting to be calm. Have had many medicines removed, still on Topomax, but almost maxed out on headache and seizure drugs, almost overdosed. Still waiting kidney ultrasounds and urine tests. Pain is--well. Working on sitting still and being calm.

Had an up-kick in griefs and anxiety with Friday's events---seeing a news photo with WBC's plans to protest the funerals of those beautiful babies- of a baby- a child-holding those signs-took the grief, the overwhelming I was already getting- I needed to turn off news earlier than I did, for my sanity- those signs broadcasting hate, in tiny, chubby hands that should have been holding a crayon to make a sign that said "I love you, Mommy"... brought out so much rage. God help me, had I had a Phelps in front of me at that moment, weak and sick or not.

But- this 3rd week of Advent- it's meant to be the week of Joy. I wasn't feeling it, for all these reasons. Everyone's sick, we're facing evil, gun debates are flaring, people are using God's name for unspeakable hatred. But---I was shown, in the darkness, that among all that, among unspeakable darkness and sadness, is unspeakable joy as well. I need to say my prayers- for hope, for peace- maybe naming a few as I go- "For family who can't be with us, for friends who are sick, for me, for those who are gone- we give you thanks, we ask for your peace, your light, your blessing."

The Holly and the Ivy

The holly and the ivy
When they are full-grown
Of all the trees that are in the wood, the holly bears the crown...

Sadly, The Holly and The Ivy, a beautiful, ancient, traditional carol isn't heard or sung much- I first caught it in-2003? When it was Jo Brand's buzzer in a Christmas episode of QI.

Here it is, in beautiful glory, sung by the Mediaeval Baebes.