It's time for the annual "What is needed/ what needs to go" reviews. I always love a good challenge.
At this point, I'm free from a series of partials that I am firmly of the opinion, also turned me into an obnoxious, overemotional, twat. I'm probably not quite free of giving myself a good smack. I never really believed in out of body experiences before. It's a really weird and freakish experience to wander, to sleep everywhere but your bed, to look on and ask, "Holy shit, what the hell is THIS? Who ARE you? Get out of there, that's my body, and I'm using it, thank you very much." I think I'm still doing that to an extent.
I've been jumpier than a jumping bean on acid (Yes. I know it's insect larvae in a seed pod. I like the simile.)
While the time has come to say, "No, fusker. I don't like being dragged and shoved around. I don't like the fact that I was dragged into a grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving again. Especially when last time, you actually shoved me into the candy display. I've never really been that interested in having Reece's peanut butter cups that close to my tuchus. I really hate that you shouted, "How can you be so clumsy?!" I'm aware that this year, my stepfather/ something or other of 19 years went to the great VFW Fishfry in the Sky. I neither enjoy nor appreciate being the punching bag for this nor the person who is apparently answering for Mom's will. I'd assume that is for her to follow through. And discussion should take place... with HER. I am not, cannot be responsible for her behaving like a grownup. My responsibility is ME. And I am upset that I have had to deal with others' issues and have not been able to be appropriate or myself, forever trying to stave off criticism or a smack."
You can feasibly say: 1) I've let myself get gotten at. 2)I need to be assertive, not aggressive. I found it irritating and frustrating when a friend both told me things I already knew AND told me to give into anger. Among other confusing statements, I've become disoriented. 3)I need to get me back. The me who delights in the fact that everything is funny eventually. The me who enjoys warped humor. The me that loves freedom... to choose, to run free. To learn from, even if I don't agree.
People that make me feel uncomfortable due to inappropriate touching or needing to comment on personal choice-hair style, that I need to eat this or that, do this or that, don't understand why I'd dislike certain situations or types of touching... need to go. My eyebrows, the formation of my skeleton, if I prefer to do this or that, is really my business, and feeling uncomfortable about it is wrong.
I also need to remember that the next 4 weeks is explicitly set up to set light to the darkest part of the year and in two weeks, the week of joy is coming up. What good is it to be sad over how I'm not this, I'm not that? Sure, I hope to rectify a lot of things. To recoup from illness and injuries. But I absolutely have to set aside that which does not help me.
As for freedom, of my own... I think I need to leave NY by spring 2016, and ensure better health care, better employment, better education. A place where I have control over wall colors, myself, what I believe, what I do, where I go. I have to help BETH.
While I fully enjoy helping others, I know when I've been kept in the dark too long. I won't be accepting "Let me take care of yous" it's creepy and has some weird overtones. And I hate being in debt to anyone. I have a tendency to want to nurture; there ends up being a weird Frau Boucher style creepiness if I think, "I'm not doing enough." This has to go. Being nurtured is fine. But I think I should start with me.