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Thursday, November 6, 2014

A Time to be Human

It's frustrating, frightening, and horrible when you can somewhat stand outside of yourself, daring, begging, and fighting for control. For understanding. An old prayer generally associated with St. Francis asks: "... Let me seek not to be understood, but to understand." Sometimes, interests and protection need to be on a human, not saintly level. I have not done so well lately. My emotions need Depends. I cannot help others until I help and heal myself.

I have problems hearing-made worse lately with a slew of technical issues and a sinus infection that refused to die. I am, however, acutely sensitive to tears, anger, or what I think is anger. Panic does nothing for me, but send me into a spiral.
I cannot handle the pseudobulbar affect ad (for awareness) as the actors are very loud and over the top. If I am freaked out, I react very weirdly. I cannot assume others understand. I can't force them. But I MUST stand for me, and my freedom. I will be pushed and pulled, scared and shocked absolutely silly. But I have to push on. I have things to face. And I know, somewhere are walls to strip down and paint a fresh blue, stars, and life. So ... while I am unable to change the facts of a cold summer night 11 years ago, I can fight my demons now.

While I shared the ad about two posts ago, I cannot watch it. This discussion is long but done calmly.

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