It's frustrating, frightening, and horrible when you can somewhat stand outside of yourself, daring, begging, and fighting for control. For understanding. An old prayer generally associated with St. Francis asks: "... Let me seek not to be understood, but to understand." Sometimes, interests and protection need to be on a human, not saintly level. I have not done so well lately. My emotions need Depends. I cannot help others until I help and heal myself.
I have problems hearing-made worse lately with a slew of technical issues and a sinus infection that refused to die. I am, however, acutely sensitive to tears, anger, or what I think is anger. Panic does nothing for me, but send me into a spiral.
I cannot handle the pseudobulbar affect ad (for awareness) as the actors are very loud and over the top. If I am freaked out, I react very weirdly. I cannot assume others understand. I can't force them. But I MUST stand for me, and my freedom. I will be pushed and pulled, scared and shocked absolutely silly. But I have to push on. I have things to face. And I know, somewhere are walls to strip down and paint a fresh blue, stars, and life. So ... while I am unable to change the facts of a cold summer night 11 years ago, I can fight my demons now.
While I shared the ad about two posts ago, I cannot watch it. This discussion is long but done calmly.