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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Blazes and Conflagrations

It's ok and wonderful, and great, to be there for your friends. But one straddles, constantly, a fine, fine line between being there and insulting family. No matter what crap gets tossed, family is... Family.

Toxicity runs in families, sometimes, with a whole host of its' own issues. While it's not ok to single out a child for the "Do this,", and to pile scorn, gossip, and criticism on them, it's also not OK to insult a friend's mama. 

Conflagrations erupt especially when two people cannot communicate and are seemingly smarting from, and trying to discuss two separate arguments. 

What's the hardest thing? 
There's explaining what hurts- psychology texts tell you to use "I Messages"... "I feel ____ when _____."
But textbooks are cold and don't factor in the humanity and tempers. It's not good to be frightened of saying, "Hey, this is stressing me out, and I need quiet time," for fear of a hot, blazing argument, during which you learn so much about yourself, and things that you're sensitive to- everyone's got a trigger button- are shouted out to you. 

Is there a solution? A guaranteed fire- stopper? 

Maybe letting go of the "They won't like it, if I tell them I am upset by this. They tell me I'm too sensitive all the time", and quietly saying, "I am stressed out. I care for you, but can't let you talk to me like that." At the very start is best. 
Holding back leads to explosions and white- hot blazes. 

It's easy with acquaintances: "I am upset by racist speech and behavior. I am further upset when I'm told I'll understand when I'm older," nothing will likely change with those patterns, but you can walk away.

With family, there are some things you cannot accept, that are wrong. Love is one thing, and history, and respect. It's quite another to realize: those are being used to keep a mouth shut. 

I'm trying to put out fires, but first, I need to step back, give myself time to heal from other things, and work on assertiveness and patience.

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