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Thursday, June 6, 2013

Emily Post Can Teach Your Grandmother to Suck Lemons

I think the time has come to bring back polite convention. "How do you do?"Can be answered most politely as follows: "How do you do?" "How do you do?"or, "How do you do?" For continental flavor, one can reply in Swedish: "hur mår du?"  Now that I sound like Emily Post upon sucking a lemon...

Conversations are already fraught with fear for me. Am I audible? Are there forces beyond my control that I have to compete with? Is someone notoriously shouty? Am I running my words together and feeling weird? Am I having an off day? Add someone who will joyfully speak for me, and think it's for my good ( Ground rule: If,  and only if I'm unable to communicate do I wish to have others say words that at aren't mine and claim them as such. It's simple, and I'm being reasonable, right?) 

Also, for the love of God, there is no call to suddenly whip out things to show and pass them swiftly in front of my face. Um, scary, much? Swiftly moving hand, ahoy! 

Let me see if I can create a simple diagram:

If someone engages me in a conversation... "Beth, do you like Where you are now? What do you do for fun?" I'm going to be very frustrated if no words can come out of my mouth in answer because someone has spoken over me. (These are the moments I'm grateful for dark sunglasses, as my expression can be slightly hidden... I hope the fact that I'm tempted to whisper something like, "My BDSM workout videos were a real hit," isn't apparent to people who've babysat me.)
The related, speaking for me... claimed as a good thing... uh, NO! I can speak! Help me, don't hurt me!
I like people, but I like to be spoken to... "My friend bought you dirty cupcake tins at a sex shop... knows your humor is a little raunchy at times" will make me smile. "She is very silly, wonderful sense of humor"- I know it's meant well, but coupled with everything, I feel like a well trained puppy and want to scratch my ear with my foot and look disgusted. 
Plus: All those years of speech therapy? Um... what use if I don't practice?

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