I blog gluten-free

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A Girly-Girl's Plea To Men

if you're more girly than I, I pray for you, hombre! :)
Dear Gentlemen,
Hi, it's me. Let's talk.

I am all about taking care of yourself. If you're sick, please don't be stubborn...get off your ass and fix it. Last I knew, the Y- Chromosomed ones do adore solutions!
Keeping yourself reasonably fit? Go with your bad self. No, really. You don't have to be a big, buff, handsome guy. Having a personality truly helps. Please, have some brains, and not meat from the neck up.

Men are wonderfully sweaty, hairy, creatures. There's a certain smell I go for... the natural Man-Stink and a mixture of a clean soap and shampoo. You don't necessarily need cologne, and if you must use it, kindly don't bathe in it. This applies especially to Brut and Polo, which I remember with headachey clarity as a result of my brother and his best friend. Gack.
Embrace it. A good soap, some basic trimming, clean clothes, great!

One thing I adore about a lot of the guys I do allow around me: they tend not to behave like bitchy little girls. (If they did, I'd grace them with a look to make them feel as though they've been measured for a coffin.)
Caring about calories? Ok, good. But kind of shaky territory. One thing I notice: people on diets tend to get these superiority complexes. Don't be that asshat. I'll have no choice but to give you a stinging tell off. (And it will hurt me more than it does you.)

BE A MAN. OWN IT. Don't be a huge asshat, but for God's sake, if you act girlier than I do, honey, you've got issues.

Finally, the Y-Chromosomed Ones among us seem to be becoming vain. Stop that! Bad!
1)If you are doing excessive grooming (I don't think too kindly of a man who sculpts his eyebrows, for example. Points for allowing hot wax on your face though. But um... to me, the trimmed, waxed look is a chick thing, cowboy.)

2) Diet Soda. Oh, for God's sake, boys. Yes, it's manly to drink something that tastes like liquid tin and count calories.(End sarcasm?) Guys, this is a girly-girl, stuck in the 50's type telling you "Pull your head out of your ass. Are you freakin' kidding me?" and the ads for diet soda for men are nothing more than a boyish version of that godawful liquid tin in a bright pink can, Tab (Eat less and he'll love you! Fark off.)
Gents: If you insist upon drinking that 10-calorie liquid tin: OWN IT. Dressed up diet soda advertised for the fuzzy and sweaty among us is just that.
A diet soda is a diet soda is a diet soda. Aight?

So, gentlemen? I understand: you can be smelly, fuzzy, sweaty, a bit machismo, and perhaps hold a lot of pride in oozing with testosterone. Awesome! Enjoy!

*Everyone: IF you insist upon drinking liquid tin, then please do not use it to wash down large fries and a triple bacon cheeseburger. It's kind of defeating the purpose. We live in a beautiful world. Enjoy it. Screw the artificial. Taste it. Love it. Live with it. And don't deny yourself. If you're feeling tubby, go ahead. Please take care of you. But don't become a raging ass hat.


  1. Diet soda, yuck. Did they stop making water?
    Good stuff. Can't believe you didn't notice my manicure though. HRMPH!
    And can you believe that Bob, guy? His butt is sooooo big!

  2. I have chips in my mani. It's a true testament to my attitude of late, that OCD Beth hasn't taken over and undone it. Later! (Hence, enhancing the natural, it handles a lot of wear and tear). *Sigh* I think we're heading into something warped and scary. You know something: I like men as they are-- that is, those I let near me? They're not likely to sit and have pedis and watch Lucy with me. And that's another reason I like them. :) You big, silly goofball EB.

  3. I totally get you and agree. Men should be men and women should be women.

    I take "being sensitive" to mean, "don't be a calloused, self centered prick... listen to her. No listen to what she is REALLY saying." Not act like one of her girlfriends.

    Meh... people who write for Cosmo should be loaded up on a train somewhere. Guys take stuff too literally.

  4. Hark! Do I hear angels singing? :)  Cosmo! I read that for a laugh. Oh, my God, the sex tips... I don't think those that write them are allowed off the grounds of their asylums for the criminally insane.

  5. I may be a little old school, but I do think of myself as a "manly" man.  However, society has been doing its best to emasculate us guys.  If we are a little rambunctious in school, drug us up because we have ADHD.  Everywhere we g, we are told to get in touch with our "feelings"  an even Playboy these days has articles about grooming for men, trying to turn us into metro-sexuals.

    There are some staunch hold outs like me, but it may be too late to save the Y chromosome!

  6. I'm in complete agreement with the "just soap" appeal.  IMHO, that goes for both X & Y chromosomes.  But, I guess ya just have to get one of those headaches to understand just how offensive perfume/cologne/body spray really is.  Or maybe just one of those whooping cough - can't get air in my lungs - experiences...  Ya think? 

  7. Perfume/cologne: Sure, some of us add a bit "Signature scent"--- but good heavens, bathing in it? No way! I have a perfume I really like---I understand men don't like being enveloped in  a huge cloud of perfume, just as I have nightmares of bro's cologne. So I go light. Sure, be a woody, musky man: but a little goes a long way!  But just soap? Yup, heaven.

  8. It's a strange new world. There needs to be balance.

  9. Couldn't agree more! My boss is a metro' in my opinion and it drives me crazy. Like he's trying to be Mr. GQ every day at work dropping names of colognes and skin balms. PLEASE.

    I've got some cologne but I go light. I like to look neat but not groomed within an inch of my life with pink skin and glossy nails. Enjoyed this - c'mon guys - just be guys. Don't be an asshole of course - but just a guy jerk once in a while can't be too bad............Mike.

  10. I understand that men are men... and neither gender has no hope of understanding each other. If I want a guy friend, I understand, I'll be exposed to testosterone, etc. If I wanted a chick, I'd stick with the girls. Even ladies with perfume... people ask about mine, because if they get close they can smell it. They don't ask because it envelops them at 20 feet away! :) Any of this, particularly wash up, be clean, don't attack people with perfumes, I'll apply to me too. Thanks for stopping by!